5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第42部分

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But　animals　aren　t　enough？　I　searched　for　another　parison；　a　way　that　she　could　understand。　I　can　t　be　sure；　of　course；　but　I　d　pare　it　to　living　on　tofu　and　soy　milk；　we　call　ourselves　vegetarians；　our　little　inside　joke。　It　doesn　t　pletely　satiate　the　hunger　or　rather　thirst。　But　it　keeps　us　strong　enough　to　resist。　Most　of　the　time。　My　voice　got　lower；　I　was　ashamed　of　danger　I　had　allowed　her　to　be　in。　Danger　I　continued　to　allow　Sometimes　it　s　more　difficult　than　others。　Is　it　very　difficult　for　you　now？

I　sighed。　admitted。　Of　course　she　would　ask　the　question　I　didn　t　want　to　answer。　Yes；　I　I　expected　her　physical　response　correctly　this　time：　her　breathing　held　steady；　her　heart　kept　its　even　pattern。　I　expected　it；　but　I　did　not　understand　it。　How　could　she　not　be　afraid？　But　you　re　not　hungry　now；　she　declared；　perfectly　sure　of　herself。　Why　do　you　think　that？　Your　eyes；　she　said；　her　tone　offhand。　I　told　you　I　had　a　theory。　I　ve　noticed　that　people　men　in　particular　are　crabbier　when　they　re　hungry。　I　chuckled　at　her　description：　crabby。　There　was　an　understatement。　But　she　was　dead　right；　as　usual。　You　are　observant；　aren　t　you？　I　laughed　again。　She　smiled　a　little；　the　crease　returning　between　her　eyes　as　if　she　were　concentrating　on　something。　Were　you　hunting　this　weekend；　with　Emmett？　she　asked　after　my　laugh　had　faded。　The　casual　way　she　spoke　was　as　fascinating　as　it　was　frustrating。　Could　she　really　accept　so　much　in　stride？　I　was　closer　to　shock　than　she　seemed　to　be。　Yes；　I　told　her；　and　then；　as　I　was　about　to　leave　it　at　that；　I　felt　the　same　urge　I　d　had　in　the　restaurant：　I　wanted　her　to　know　me。　I　didn　t　want　to　leave；　I　went　on　slowly；　but　it　was　necessary。　It　s　a　bit　easier　to　be　around　you　when　I　m　not　thirsty。　Why　didn　t　you　want　to　leave？　I　took　a　deep　breath；　and　then　turned　to　meet　her　gaze。　difficult　in　a　very　different　way。　This　kind　of　honesty　was　It　makes　me　anxious；　I　supposed　that　word　would　suffice；　though　it　wasn　t　strong　enough；　to　be　away　from　you。　I　wasn　t　joking　when　I　asked　you　to　try　not　to　fall　in　the　ocean　or　get　run　over　last　Thursday。　I　was　distracted　all　weekend；　worrying　about　you。　And　after　what　happened　tonight；　I　m　surprised　that　you　did　make　it　through　a　whole　weekend　unscathed。　Then　I　remembered　the　scrapes　on　her　palms。　Well；　not　totally　unscathed；　I　amended。　What？　Your　hands；　I　reminded　her。　She　sighed　and　grimaced。　I　fell。　I　d　guessed　right。　That　s　what　I　thought；　I　said；　unable　to　contain　my　smile。　I　suppose；　being　you；　it　could　have　been　much　worse　and　that　possibility　tormented　me　the　entire　time　I　was　away。　It　was　a　very　long　three　days。　I　really　got　on　Emmett　s　nerves。　Honestly；　that　didn　t　belong　in　the　past　tense。　I　was　probably　still　irritating　Emmett；　and　all　the　rest　of　my　family；　too。　Except　Alice　Three　days？　she　asked；　her　voice　suddenly　sharp。　today？　I　didn　t　understand　the　edge　in　her　voice。　Didn　t　you　just　get　back　No；　we　got　back　Sunday。

Then　why　weren　t　any　of　you　in　school？　she　demanded。　Her　irritation　confused　me。　She　didn　t　seem　to　realize　that　this　question　was　one　that　related　to　mythology　again。　Well；　you　asked　if　the　sun　hurt　me；　and　it　doesn　t；　I　said。　in　the　sunlight；　at　least；　not　where　anyone　can　see。　That　distracted　her　from　her　mysterious　annoyance。　head　to　one　side。　But　I　can　t　go　out　Why？　she　asked；　leaning　her　I　doubted　I　could　e　up　with　the　appropriate　analogy　to　explain　this　one。　So　I　just　told　her；　I　ll　show　you　sometime。　And　then　I　wondered　if　this　was　a　promise　I　would　end　up　breaking。　Would　I　see　her　again；　after　tonight？　Did　I　love　her　enough　yet　to　be　able　to　bear　leaving　her？　You　might　have　called　me；　she　said。　What　an　odd　conclusion。　But　I　knew　you　were　safe。　I　She　came　to　an　abrupt　stop；　and　looked　at　But　I　didn　t　know　where　you　were。　her　hands。　What？　I　didn　t　like　it；　she　said　shyly；　the　skin　over　her　cheekbones　warming。　seeing　you。　It　makes　me　anxious；　too。　Are　you　happy　now？　I　demanded　of　myself。　Not　Well；　here　was　my　reward　for　hoping。　I　was　bewildered；　elated；　horrified　mostly　horrified　to　realize　that　all　my　wildest　imaginings　were　not　so　far　off　the　mark。　This　was　why　it　didn　t　matter　to　her　that　I　was　a　monster。　It　was　exactly　the　same　reason　that　the　rules　no　longer　mattered　to　me。　Why　right　and　wrong　were　no　longer　pelling　influences。　Why　all　my　priorities　had　shifted　one　rung　down　to　make　room　for　this　girl　at　the　very　top。　Bella　cared　for　me；　too。　I　knew　it　could　be　nothing　in　parison　to　how　I　loved　her。　But　it　was　enough　for　her　to　risk　her　life　to　sit　here　with　me。　To　do　so　gladly。　Enough　to　cause　her　pain　if　I　did　the　right　thing　and　left　her。　Was　there　anything　I　could　do　now　that　would　not　hurt　her？　Anything　at　all？　I　should　have　stayed　away。　her　nothing　but　pain。　I　should　never　have　e　back　to　Forks。　From　making　it　worse？　I　would　cause　Would　that　stop　me　from　staying　now？　The　way　I　felt　right　now；　feeling　her　warmth　against　my　skin　No。　Nothing　would　stop　me。　This　is　wrong。　Ah；　I　groaned　to　myself。

What　did　I　say？　she　asked；　quick　to　take　the　blame　on　herself。　Don　t　you　see；　Bella？　It　s　one　thing　for　me　to　make　myself　miserable；　but　a　wholly　other　thing　for　you　to　be　so　involved。　I　don　t　want　to　hear　that　you　feel　that　way。　It　was　the　truth；　it　was　a　lie。　The　most　selfish　part　of　me　was　flying　with　the　knowledge　that　she　wanted　me　as　I　wanted　her。　It　s　wrong。　It　s　not　safe。　I　m　dangerous；　Bella　please；　grasp　that。　No。　Her　lips　pouted　out　petulantly。　I　m　serious。　I　was　battling　with　myself　so　strongly　half　desperate　for　her　to　accept；　half　desperate　to　keep　the　warnings　from　escaping　that　the　words　came　through　my　teeth　as　a　growl。　So　am　I；　she　insisted。　late。　I　told　you；　it　doesn　t　matter　what　you　are。　It　s　too　Too　late？　The　world　was　bleakly　black　and　white　for　one　endless　second　as　I　watched　the　shadows　crawl　across　the　sunny　lawn　toward　Bella　s　sleeping　form　in　my　memory。　Inevitable；　unstoppable。　They　stole　the　color　from　her　skin；　and　plunged　her　into　darkness。　Too　late？　Alice　s　vision　swirled　in　my　head；　Bella　s　blood　red　eyes　staring　back　at　me　impassively。　Expressionless　but　there　was　no　way　that　she　could　not　hate　me　for　that　future。　Hate　me　for　stealing　everything　from　her。　Stealing　her　life　and　her　soul。　It　could　not　be　too　late。　Never　say　that；　I　hissed。　She　stared　out　her　window；　and　her　teeth　bit　into　her　lip　again。　Her　hands　were　balled　into　tight　fists　in　her　lap。　Her　breathing　hitched　and　broke。　What　are　you　thinking？　I　had　to　know。　She　shook　her　head　without　looking　at　me。　crystal；　on　her　cheek。　Agony。　Are　you　crying？　I　saw　something　glisten；　like　a　I　d　hurt　her　that　much。　I　d　made　her　cry。　She　scrubbed　the　tears　away　with　the　back　of　her　hand。　No；　she　lied；　her　voice　breaking。　Some　long　buried　instinct　had　me　reaching　out　toward　her　in　that　one　second　I　felt　more　human　than　I　ever　had。　And　then　I　remembered　that　I　was　not。　And　I　lowered　my　hand。　I　m　sorry；　I　said；　my　jaw　locked。　How　could　I　ever　tell　her　how　sorry　I　was？　Sorry　for　all　the　stupid　mistakes　I　d　made。　Sorry　for　my　neverending　selfishness。　Sorry　that　she　was　so　unfortunate　as　to　have　inspired　this　first；　tragic　love　of　mine。　Sorry　also　for　the　things　beyond　my　control　that　I　d　been　the　monster　chosen　by　fate　to　end　her　life　in　the　first　place。　I　took　a　deep　breath　ignoring　my　wretched　reaction　to　the　flavor　in　the　car　and　tried　to　collect　myself。

I　wanted　to　change　the　subject；　to　think　of　something　else。　Lucky　for　me；　my　curiosity　about　the　girl　was　insatiable。　I　always　had　a　question。　Tell　me　something；　I　said。　Yes？　she　asked　huskily；　tears　still　in　her　voice。　What　were　you　thinking　tonight；　just　before　I　came　around　the　corner？　I　couldn　t　understand　your　expression　you　didn　t　look　that　scared；　you　looked　like　you　were　concentrating　very　hard　on　something。　I　remembered　her　face　forcing　myself　to　forget　whose　eyes　I　was　looking　through　the　look　of　determination　there。　I　was　trying　to　remember　how　to　incapacitate　an　attacker；　she　said；　her　voice　more　posed。　You　know；　self　defense。　I　was　going　to　smash　his　nose　into　his　brain。　Her　posure　did　not　last　to　the　end　of　her　explanation。　Her　tone　twisted　until　it　seethed　with　hate。　This　was　no　hyperbole；　and　her　kittenish　fury　was　not　humorous　now。　I　could　see　her　frail　figure　just　silk　over　glass　overshadowed　by　the　meaty；　heavyfisted　human　monsters　who　would　have　hurt　her。　The　fury　boiled　in　the　back　of　my　head。　You　were　going　to　fight　them？　I　wanted　to　groan。　herself。　Didn　t　you　think　about　running？　I　fall　down　a　lot　when　I　run；　she　said　sheepishly。　What　about　screaming　for　help？　I　was　getting　to　that　part。　I　shook　my　head　in　disbelief。　to　Forks？　How　had　she　managed　to　stay　alive　before　she　d　e　I　m　definitely　fighting　Her　instincts　were　deadly　to　You　were　right；　I　told　her；　a　sour　edge　to　my　voice。　fate　trying　to　keep　you　alive。　She　sighed；　and　glanced　out　the　window。　Then　she　looked　back　at　me。　Will　I　see　you　tomorrow？　she　demanded　abruptly。　As　long　as　I　was　on　my　way　to　hell　I　might　as　well　enjoy　the　journey。　Yes　I　have　a　paper　due；　too。　I　smiled　at　her；　and　it　felt　good　to　do　this。　I　ll　save　you　a　seat　at　lunch。　Her　heart　fluttered；　my　dead　heart　suddenly　felt　warmer。　I　stopped　the　car　in　front　of　her　father　s　house。　She　made　no　move　to　leave　me。　Do　you　promise　to　be　there　tomo