5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第39部分
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d you to Port Angeles； I told her； the words spilling out too quickly for me to edit them。 I knew the danger of the truth； the risk I was taking。 At any moment； her unnatural calm could shatter into hysterics。 Contrarily； knowing this only had me talking faster。 I ve never tried to keep a specific person alive before and it s much more troublesome than I would have believed。 But that s probably just because it s you。 Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes。 I watched her； waiting。 She smiled。 Her lips curved up at the edges； and her chocolate eyes warmed。 I d just admitted to stalking her； and she was smiling。 Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time； with the van； and that you ve been interfering with fate？ she asked。 That wasn t the first time； I said； staring down at the dark maroon table cloth； my shoulders bowed in shame。 My barriers were down； the truth still spilling free recklessly。 Your number was up the first time I met you。 It was true； and it angered me。 I had been positioned over her life like the blade of a guillotine。 It was as if she had been marked for death by some cruel； unjust fate； and since I d proved an unwilling tool that same fate continued to try to execute her。 I imagined the fate personified a grisly； jealous hag； a vengeful harpy。 I wanted something； someone； to be responsible for this so that I would have something concrete to fight against。 Something； anything to destroy； so that Bella could be safe。 Bella was very quiet； her breathing had accelerated。 I looked up at her； knowing I would finally see the fear I was waiting for。 Had I not just admitted how close I d been to killing her？ Closer than the van that had e within slim inches of crushing her。 And yet； her face was still calm； her eyes still tightened only with concern。 You remember？ She had to remember that。 Her deep eyes were full of awareness。 Yes； she said； her voice level and grave。 She knew。 She knew that I had wanted to murder her。 Where were the screams？ And yet here you sit； I said； pointing out the inherent contradiction。 Yes； here I sit because of you。 Her expression altered； turned curious； as she unsubtly changed the subject。 Because somehow you knew how to find me today ？ Hopelessly； I pushed one more time at the barrier that protected her thoughts； desperate to understand。 It made no logical sense to me。 How could she even care about the rest with that glaring truth on the table？
She waited； only curious。 Her skin was pale； which was natural for her； but it still concerned me。 Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her。 If I continued to tell her too much； she was going to need a buffer when the shock wore off。 I named my terms。 You eat； I ll talk。 She processed that for half a second； and then threw a bite in her mouth with a speed that belied her calm。 She was more anxious for my answer than her eyes let on。 It s harder than it should be keeping track of you； I told her。 find someone very easily； once I ve heard their mind before。 I watched her face carefully as I said this。 it confirmed was another。 Usually I can Guessing right was one thing； having She was motionless； her eyes wide。 I felt my teeth clench together as I waited for her panic。 But she just blinked once； swallowed loudly； and then quickly scooped another bite into her mouth。 She wanted me to continue。 I was keeping tabs on Jessica； I went on； watching each word as it sank in。 Not carefully like I said； only you could find trouble in Port Angeles I couldn t resist adding that。 Did she realize that other human lives were not so plagued with near death experiences； or did she think she was normal？ She was the furthest thing from normal I d ever encountered。 And at first I didn t notice when you took off on your own。 Then； when I realized that you weren t with her anymore； I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head。 I could tell that you hadn t gone in； and that you d gone south and I knew you would have to turn around soon。 So I was just waiting for you； randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street to see if anyone had noticed you so I would know where you were。 I had no reason to be worried but I was strangely anxious My breath came faster as I remembered that feeling of panic。 Her scent blazed in my throat and I was glad。 It was a pain that meant she was alive。 As long as I burned； she was safe。 I started to drive in circles； still listening。 I hoped the word made sense to her。 This had to be confusing。 The sun was finally setting； and I was about to get out； and follow you on foot。 And then As the memory took me perfectly clear and as vivid as if I was in the moment again I felt the same murderous fury wash through my body； locking it into ice。 I wanted him dead。 I needed him dead。 My jaw clenched tight as I concentrated on holding myself here at the table。 Bella still needed me。 That was what mattered。 Then what？ she whispered； her dark eyes wide。 I heard what they were thinking； I said through my teeth； unable to keep the words from ing out in a growl。 I saw your face in his mind。 I could hardly resist the urge to kill。 I still knew precisely where to find him。 His black thoughts sucked at the night sky； pulling me toward them I covered my face； knowing my expression was that of a monster； a hunter； a killer。 I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself； focusing only on her face。 The delicate framework of her bones； the thin sheath of her pale skin like silk
stretched over glass； incredibly soft and easy to shatter。 She was too vulnerable for this world。 She needed a protector。 And； through some twisted mismanagement of destiny； I was the closest thing available。 I tried to explain my violent reaction so that she would understand。 It was very hard you can t imagine how hard for me to simply take you away； and leave them alive； I whispered。 I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela； but I was afraid if you left me alone； I would go looking for them。 For the second time tonight； I confessed to an intended murder。 was defensible。 At least this one She was quiet as I struggled to control myself。 I listened to her heartbeat。 The rhythm was irregular； but it slowed as the time passed until it was steady again。 Her breathing； too； was low and even。 I was too close to the edge。 Would I kill him； then？ I needed to get her home before Would I bee a murderer again when she trusted me？ Was there any way to stop myself？ She d promised to tell me her latest theory when we were alone。 Did I want to hear it？ I was anxious for it； but would the reward for my curiosity be worse than not knowing？ At any rate； she must have had enough truth for one night。 I looked at her again； and her face was paler than before； but posed。 Are you ready to go home？ I asked。 I m ready to leave； she said； choosing her words carefully； as if a simple yes did not fully express what she wanted to say。 Frustrating。 The waitress returned。 She d heard Bella s last statement as she d dithered on the other side of the partition； wondering what more she could offer me。 I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the offerings she d had in mind。 How are we doing？ she asked me。 We re ready for the check； thank you； I told her； my eyes on Bella。 The waitress s breathing spiked and she was momentarily to use Bella s phrasing dazzled by my voice。 In a sudden moment of perception； hearing the way my voice sounded in this inconsequential human s head； I realized why I seemed to be attracting so much admiration tonight unmarred by the usual fear。 It was because of Bella。 Trying so hard to be safe for her； to be less frightening； to be human； I truly had lost my edge。 The other humans saw only beauty now； with my innate horror so carefully under control。 I looked up at the waitress； waiting for her to recover herself。 It was sort of
humorous； now that I understood the reason。 Sure； she stuttered。 Here you go。 She handed me the folder with the bill； thinking of the card she d slid in behind the receipt。 A card with her name and telephone number on it。 Yes； it was rather funny。 I had money ready again。 I gave the folder back at once； so she wouldn t waste any time waiting for a call that would never e。 No change； I told her； hoping the size of the tip would assuage her disappointment。 I stood； and Bella quickly followed suit。 I wanted to offer her my hand； but I thought that might be pushing my luck a little too far for one night。 I thanked the waitress； my eyes never leaving Bella s face。 Bella seemed to be finding something amusing； too。 We walked out； I walked as close beside her as I dared。 Close enough that the warmth ing off her body was like a physical touch against the left side of my body。 As I held the door for her； she sighed quietly； and I wondered what regret made her sad。 I stared into her eyes； about to ask； when she suddenly looked at the ground； seeming embarrassed。 It made me more curious； even as it made me reluctant to ask。 The silence between us continued while I opened her door for her and then got into the car。 I turned the heater on the warmer weather had e to an abrupt end； the cold car must be unfortable for her。 She huddled in my jacket； a small smile on her lips。 I waited； post
