5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第23部分
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tom？ I wasn t any better。 I was much； much worse。 I relaxed my fingertips； about to let myself drop。 long look at her face。 But first I allowed myself one It was not peaceful。 The little furrow was there between her eyebrows； the corners of her lips turned down。 Her lips trembled； and then parted。 Okay； Mom； she muttered。 Bella talked in her sleep。 Curiosity flared； overpowering selfdisgust。 The lure of those unprotected； unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting。 I tried the window； and it was not locked； though it stuck due to long disuse。 I slid it slowly aside； cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame。 I would have to find some oil for next time Next time？ I shook my head； disgusted again。 I eased myself silently through the halfopened window。 Her room was small disorganized but not unclean。 There were books piled on the floor beside her bed； their spines facing away from me； and CDs scattered by her inexpensive CD player the one on top was just a clear jewel case。 Stacks of papers surrounded a puter that looked like it belonged in a museum dedicated to
obsolete technologies。 Shoes dotted the wooden floor。 I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs； but I d promised myself that I would keep my distance； instead； I went to sit the old rocking chair in the far corner of the room。 Had I really once thought her averagelooking？ I thought of that first day； and my disgust for the boys who were so immediately intrigued with her。 But when I remembered her face in their minds now； I could not understand why I had not found her beautiful immediately。 It seemed an obvious thing。 Right now with her dark hair tangled and wild around her pale face； wearing a threadbare tshirt full of holes with tatty sweatpants； her features relaxed in unconsciousness； her full lips slightly parted she took my breath away。 Or would have； I thought wryly； if I were breathing。 She did not speak。 Perhaps her dream had ended。 I stared at her face and tried to think of some way to make the future bearable。 Hurting her was not bearable。 again？ Did that mean my only choice was to try to leave The others could not argue with me now。 My absence would not put anyone in danger。 There would be no suspicion； nothing to link anyone s thoughts back to the accident。 I wavered as I had this afternoon； and nothing seemed possible。 I could not hope to rival the human boys； whether these specific boys appealed to her or not。 I was a monster。 How could she see me as anything else？ If she knew the truth about me； it would frighten and repulse her。 Like the intended victim in a horror movie； she would run away； shrieking in terror。 I remembered her first day in biology and knew that this was exactly the right reaction for her to have。 It was foolishness to imagine that if had I been the one to ask her to the silly dance； she would have cancelled her hastilymade plans and agreed to go with me。 I was not the one she was destined to say yes to。 It was someone else； someone human and warm。 And I could not even let myself someday； when that yes was said hunt him down and kill him； because she deserved him； whoever he was。 She deserved happiness and love with whomever she chose。 I owed it to her to do the right thing now； I could no longer pretend that I was only in danger of loving this girl。 After all； it really didn t matter if I left； because Bella could never see me the way I wished she would。 Never see me as someone worthy of love。 Never。 Could a dead； frozen heart break？ Edward； Bella said。 It felt like mine would。
I froze； staring at her unopened eyes。 Had she woken； caught me here？ clear She looked asleep； yet her voice had been so She sighed a quiet sigh； and then moved restlessly again； rolling to her side still fast asleep and dreaming。 Edward； she mumbled softly。 She was dreaming of me。 Could a dead； frozen heart beat again？ Stay； she sighed。 Don t go。 It felt like mine was about to。 Please don t go。 She wanted me to stay She was dreaming of me； and it wasn t even a nightmare。 with her； there in her dream。 I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me； but I had no words strong enough to hold them。 For a long moment； I drowned in them。 When I surfaced； I was not the same man I had been。 My life was an unending； unchanging midnight。 It must； by necessity； always be midnight for me。 So how was it possible that the sun was rising now； in the middle of my midnight？ At the time that I had bee a vampire； trading my soul and my mortality for immortality in the searing pain of transformation； I had truly been frozen。 My body had turned into something more like rock than flesh； enduring and unchanging。 My self； also； had frozen as it was my personality； my likes and my dislikes； my moods and my desires； all were fixed in place。 It was the same for the rest of them。 We were all frozen。 Living stone。 When change came for one of us； it was a rare and permanent thing。 I had seen it happen with Carlisle； and then a decade later with Rosalie。 Love had changed them in an eternal way； a way that never faded。 More than eighty years had passed since Carlisle had found Esme； and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love。 It would always be that way for them。 It would always be that way for me； too。 I would always love this fragile human girl； for the rest of my limitless existence。 I gazed at her unconscious face； feeling this love for her settle into every portion of my stone body。 She slept more peacefully now； a slight smile on her lips。 Always watching her； I began to plot。 I loved her； and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her。 I knew I wasn t that strong now。 I would work on that one。 But perhaps I was strong enough to circumvent the future in another way。 Alice had seen only two futures for Bella； and now I understood them both。 Loving
her would not keep me from killing her； if I let myself make mistakes。 Yet I could not feel the monster now； could not find him anywhere in me。 Perhaps love had silenced him forever。 If I killed her now； it would not be intentional； only a horrible accident。 I would have to be inordinately careful。 I would never； ever be able to let my guard down。 I would have to control my every breath。 I would have to keep an always cautious distance。 I would not make mistakes。 I finally understood that second future。 I d been baffled by that vision what could possibly happen to result in Bella being a prisoner to this immortal halflife？ Now devastated by longing for the girl I could understand how I might； in unforgivable selfishness； ask my father for that favor。 Ask him to take away her life and her soul so that I could keep her forever。 She deserved better。 But I saw one more future； one thin wire that I might be able to walk； if I could keep my balance。 Could I do it？ Be with her and leave her human？ Deliberately； I took a deep breath； and then another； letting her scent rip through me like wildfire。 The room was thick with her perfume； her fragrance was layered on every surface。 My head swam； but I fought the spinning。 I would have to get used to this； if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her。 I took another deep； burning breath。 I watched her sleeping until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds； plotting and breathing。 I got home just after the others had left for school。 I changed quickly； avoiding Esme s questioning eyes。 She saw the feverish light in my face； and she felt both worry and relief。 My long melancholy had pained her； and she was glad it seemed to be over。 I ran to school； arriving a few seconds after my siblings did。 They did not turn； though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that bordered the pavement。 I waited until no one was looking； and then I strolled casually from between the trees into the lot full of parked cars。 I heard Bella s truck rumbling around the corner； and I paused behind a Suburban； where I could watch without being seen。 She drove into the lot； glaring at my Volvo for a long moment before she parked in one of the most distant spaces； a frown on her face。 It was strange to remember that she was probably still angry with me； and with good reason。 I wanted to laugh at myself or kick myself。 All my plotting and planning was entirely moot if she didn t care for me； too； wasn t it？ Her dream could have been about something pletely random。 I was such an arrogant fool。 Well； it was so much the better for her if she didn t care for me。 That wouldn t
stop me from pursuing her； but I would give her fair warning as I pursued。 her that。 I walked silently forward； wondering how best to approach her。 I owed She made it easy。 Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out； and fell into a deep puddle。 She reached down； but I got to it first； retrieving it before she had to put her fingers in the cold water。 I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up。 How do you do that？ she demanded。 Yes； she was still angry。 I offered her the key。 Do what？ I took a deep breath； She held her hand out； and I dropped the key in her palm。 pulling in her scent。 Appear out of thin air； she clarified。 Bella； it s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant。 wry；
