5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第19部分
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ing he s not strong enough to do is stay away from her。 That s a lost cause。 I couldn t find my voice。 still。 No one else seemed to be able to either。 The room was I stared at Alice； and everyone else stared at me。 expression from five different viewpoints。 After a long moment； Carlisle sighed。 Well； this plicates things。 I could see my own horrified I ll say； Emmett agreed。 His voice was still close to laughter。 to find the joke in the destruction of my life。 Trust Emmett We ll I suppose the plans remain the same； though； Carlisle said thoughtfully。 stay； and watch。 Obviously； no one will hurt the girl。 I stiffened。 No； Jasper said quietly。 I can agree to that。 If Alice sees only two ways No！ My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair； but some bination of the three。 No！ I had to leave； to be away from the noise of their thoughts Rosalie s selfrighteous disgust； Emmett s humor； Carlisle s never ending patience Worse： Alice s confidence。 Worst of all： Esme s joy。 I stalked out of the room。 acknowledge the gesture。 Esme touched my arm as I passed； but I didn t Jasper s confidence in that confidence。
I was running before I was out of the house。 I cleared the river in one bound； and raced into the forest。 The rain was back again； falling so heavily that I was drenched in a few moments。 I liked the thick sheet of water it made a wall between me and the rest of the world。 It closed me in； let me be alone。 I ran due east； over and through the mountains without breaking my straight course； until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound。 stopped before I touched the borders of human civilization。 Shut in by the rain； all alone； I finally made myself look at what I had done at the way I had mutilated the future。 First； the vision of Alice and the girl with their arms around each other the trust and friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image。 Bella s wide chocolate eyes were not bewildered in this vision； but still full of secrets in this moment； they seemed to be happy secrets。 She did not flinch away from Alice s cold arm。 What did it mean？ How much did she know？ future； what did she think of me？ In that stilllife moment from the I Then the other image； so much the same； yet now colored by horror。 Alice and Bella； their arms still wrapped around each other in trusting friendship。 But now there was no difference between those arms both were white； smooth as marble； hard as steel。 Bella s wide eyes were no longer chocolate。 The irises were a shocking； vivid crimson。 The secrets in them were unfathomable acceptance or desolation？ It was impossible to tell。 Her face was cold and immortal。 I shuddered。 I could not suppress the questions； similar； but different： did it mean how had this e about？ And what did she think of me now？ What I could answer that last one。 If I forced her into this empty halflife through my weakness and selfishness； surely she would hate me。 But there was one more horrifying image worse than any image I d ever held inside my head。 My own eyes； deep crimson with human blood； the eyes of the monster。 Bella s broken body in my arms； ashy white； drained； lifeless。 It was so concrete； so clear。 I couldn t stand to see this。 Could not bear it。 I tried to banish it from my mind； tried to see something else； anything else。 Tried to see again the expression on her living face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence。 All to no avail。 Alice s bleak vision filled my head； and I writhed internally with the agony it caused。 Meanwhile； the monster in me was overflowing with glee； jubilant at the likelihood of his success。 It sickened me。 This could not be allowed。 There had to be a way to circumvent the future。 I would not let Alice s visions direct me。 I could choose a different path。 There was always a choice。 There had to be。
5。 Invitations High school。 I had both。 Purgatory no longer； it was now purely hell。 Torment and fire yes； No I was doing everything correctly now。 Every i dotted； every t crossed。 one could plain that I was shirking my responsibilities。 To please Esme and protect the others； I stayed in Forks。 I returned to my old schedule。 I hunted no more than the rest of them。 Everyday； I attended high school and played human。 Everyday； I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullens there never was anything new。 The girl did not speak one word of her suspicions。 She just repeated the same story again and again I d been standing with her and then pulled her out of the way till her eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details。 There was no danger。 No one but myself。 I was determined to change the future。 Not the easiest task to set for oneself； but there was no other choice that I could live with。 Alice said that I would not be strong enough to stay away from the girl。 prove her wrong。 I d thought the first day would be the hardest。 I would My hasty action had hurt no one。 By the end of it； I d been sure
that was the case。 I d been wrong； though。 It had rankled； knowing that I would hurt the girl。 I d forted myself with the fact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick just a tiny sting of rejection pared to mine。 Bella was human； and she knew that I was something else； something wrong； something frightening。 She would probably be more relieved than wounded when I turned my face away from her and pretended that she didn t exist。 Hello； Edward； she d greeted me； that first day back in biology。 Her voice had been pleasant； friendly； one hundred and eighty degrees from the last time I d spoken with her。 Why？ What did the change mean？ Had she forgotten？ Decided she had imagined the whole episode？ Could she possibly have forgiven me for not following through on my promise？ The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed。 Just one moment to look in her eyes。 there No。 Just to see if I could read the answers Not if I was going to change the future。 I could not allow myself even that。 I d moved my chin an inch in her direction without looking away from the front of the room。 I d nodded once； and then turned my face straight forward。 She did not speak to me again。 That afternoon； as soon as school was finished； my role played； I ran to Seattle as I had the day before。 It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when I was flying over the ground； turning everything around me into a green blur。 This run became my daily habit。 Did I love her？ I did not think so。 Not yet。 Alice s glimpses of that future had stuck with me； though； and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Bella。 It would be exactly like falling： effortless。 Not letting myself love her was the opposite of falling it was pulling myself up a cliffface； hand over hand； the task as grueling as if I had no more than mortal strength。 More than a month passed； and every day it got harder。 That made no sense to me I kept waiting to get over it； to have it get easier。 This must be what Alice had meant when she d predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the girl。 She had seen the escalation of the pain。 But I could handle pain。 I would not destroy Bella s future。 If I was destined to love her； then wasn t avoiding her the very least I could do？ Avoiding her was about the limit of what I could bear； though。 I could pretend to ignore her； and never look her way。 I could pretend that she was of no interest to me。 But that was the extent； just pretense and not reality。 I still hung on every breath she took； every word she said。
I lumped my torments into four categories。 The first two were familiar。 Her scent and her silence。 Or； rather to take the responsibility on myself where it belonged my thirst and my curiosity。 The thirst was the most primal of my torments。 It was my habit now to simply not breathe at all in Biology。 Of course； there were always the exceptions when I had to answer a question or something of the sort； and I would need my breath to speak。 Each time I tasted the air around the girl； it was the same as the first day fire and need and brutal violence desperate to break free。 It was hard to cling even slightly to reason or restraint in those moments。 And； just like that first day； the monster in me would roar； so close to the surface The curiosity was the most constant of my torments。 The question was never out of my mind： What is she thinking now？ When I heard her quietly sigh。 When she twisted a lock of hair absently around her finger。 When she threw her books down with more force than usual。 When she rushed to class late。 When she tapped her foot impatiently against the floor。 Each movement caught in my peripheral vision was a maddening mystery。 When she spoke to the other human students； I analyzed her every word and tone。 Was she speaking her thoughts； or what she thought she should say？ It often sounded to me like she was trying to say what her audience expected； and this reminded me of my family and our daily life of illusion we were better at it than she was。 Unless I wrong about that； just imagining things。 Why would she have to play a role？ She was one of them a human teenager。 Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments。 Who would have ever dreamed that such a ge
