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a face illumined-第98部分

小说: a face illumined 字数: 每页4000字

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torment was over; he had become very faint and exhausted。  After

he had regained somewhat the power to think and act; he turned his

steps towards a narrow; secluded ravine; about a mile from the hotel;

knowing that here he would find the deepest solitude in which to

grow calm and prepare himself for the quiet self…sacrifice of which

Ida had given the example; and which no eye must be able to detect

save his to whom the secrets of all hearts are open。



He made no effort to follow any path; but sprang carelessly and

rapidly down the steep hillside。  When he had almost reached the

bottom of the ravine; his foot slipped on a rock half hidden by

leaves; and he fell and rolled helplessly down。  Before he could

recover himself; the rock; which had been loosely imbedded in the

soil and which his foot had struck so heavily; rolled after him

and on his leg and foot。  In sudden and increasing dismay; he found

that he could not extricate himself。  The stone would have been

beyond his ability to lift even if he had the full use of all his

powers; but he was held in a position that gave him very little

chance to exert his strength。



When he found that it was utterly impossible to push the stone

away; he tried to excavate the earth; by means of sticks and his

small pocket…knife; from under his leg; but soon found; with a sense

of mortal fear; that his limb was resting in a little depression

between two other large rocks deeply imbedded in the bottom of

the ravine。  This depression; and the soft; dry leaves which had

covered it like a cushion; prevented the stone from crushing his

limb and foot; but also held him in a sort of natural sock。



As these appalling facts became clear; he saw that he was in imminent

danger of death by starvation。  Then a worse fear than that chilled

his very soul。  He might die in that lonely spot and never be

discovered。  The prowling vermin of the night might tear away his

flesh;  and drag his bones hither and thither; till the leaves that

now would soon fall covered them forever from sight and knowledge;

but Ida Mayhew; and the orphan girl to whom his honor bound him; would

think that he had broken his pledges; and was in truth a vagabond

on the eartheating and drinking; rioting; perhaps in ignoble

obscurity。  The prospect made him sick and faint for a time; for

that which in his first blind sense of shame he had proposed to

do; now that he had heard Ida's heaven…inspired words; seemed base

and cowardly to the last degree。  If she had not brought to him

sane and quiet thought; he would have grimly said to himself that

fate had taken him out of his dilemma in a fitting way; punishing

and destroying him at one and the same time; but now to die and

forever seem unworthy of the trust of the woman he so loved and

revered was a kind of eternal punishment in itself。  He called and

shouted with desperate energy for aid but the freshening wind of

early September rustled millions of leaves in the forest around

him and drowned his voice。  He soon realized that one standing on

the bank just above him would scarcely be able to hear; even though

listening。  Oh; why would that remorseless wind blow so steadily!

Was there no pity in nature?



Then in a frenzy he struggled and wrenched his leg till it was

bruised and bleeding; but the rocky grip would not yield。  He soon

began to consider that he was exhausting himself and thus lessening

his chances of escape; and he lay quietly on his side and tried

to think how long he could survive; and now deeply regretted that

his wild passion for the past two days had drawn so largely on his

vital powers。  Already; after but an hour's durance; he was weak

and faint。



Then various expedients to attract attention began to present

themselves。  By means of a stick he drew down the overhanging

branch of a tree and tied to it his handkerchief。  He also managed

to insert a stick in the ground near him; and on its top placed

his hat; but he saw that they could not be seen through the thick

undergrowth at any great distance。  Then more deliberately; and

with an effort to economize his strength; he again attempted to

undermine the rocks on which his leg rested; but found that they

ran under him and hopelessly deep。  At intervals he would shout

for help; but his cries grew fainter as he became weak and discouraged。



〃O God;〃 he said; 〃there is just the bare chance that some one may

stumble upon me; and that is all;〃 and as the glen fell into deeper

and deeper shadow in the declining day; even more swiftly it seemed

to him that the shadow of death was darkening about him。



At last the bark of squirrels and the chirp and twitter of birds

that haunted the lonely place ceased and it was night。  Only the

notes of fall insects in their monotonous and ceaseless iteration

were heard above the sighing wind; which now sounded like a requiem

to the disheartened man。  Suddenly a great owl flapped heavily over

him; and lighting in a tree near by; began its discordant hootings。



〃That's an omen of death;〃 he muttered; grimly。  Then at last; in

uncontrollable irritation; he shouted; 〃Curse you; begone!〃 and

the ill…boding bird flapped away with a startled screech; that to

Van Berg's morbid fancy was like a demon's laugh。  But it alighted

again a little further off and drove him half wild with its dismal

cries。  At last there was a radiance among the trees on the eastern

side of the ravine; and soon the moon rose clear and bright; the

wind went down; and except the 〃audible silence〃 of insect sounds

all was still。  Nature seemed to him holding her breath in suspense;

waiting for the end。  He called out from time to time till; from

the lateness of the hour; he knew that it was utterly useless。



He began in a dreamy way; to wonder if Ida had missed him yet and

was surprised that he had not returned。  He thought how strange;

how unaccountable even; his conduct must appear to Miss Burton;

and how very difficult it would have been to explain it at best。

〃Ida was wrong; however; in thinking that it is for me that she

is grieving so deeply;〃 he murmured; 〃although she may be right in

believing that I have raised hopes in Jennie's mind of a happier

future; when time had healed the wounds made in the past。  If I

had lived; if by any happy chance I DO live; my only course will be

to maintain the character of a friend until she gives up the past

for the sake of what I can offer。  In a certain sense we will be

on equal footing; for her lover is dead and my love is the same as

dead to me。  But what is the use of such thoughts!  I shall be dead

to them both in a few hours more; and what is far worse; despised

by them both;〃 and for the first time in all that awful vigil bitter

tears rolled down his cheeks。



Then; slowly and minutely; he went over all that had occurred during

that eventful summer。  He found a melancholy pleasure which served

to beguile the interminable hours of painfor now his leg and

unnatural position began to cause very severe sufferingin portraying

to himself the changes in Ida's mind and character from the hour

of their first meeting; and it seemed to him very mysterious indeed

that the thread of his life should have been caught in hers by that

mere casual glance at the concert garden; and then that it should

have been so strangely and intimately woven with hers only to

be snapped at last in this untimely and meaningless fashion。  He

groaned; 〃its all more like the malicious ingenuity of a fiend

seeking to cause the weak human puppets that it misleads the greatest

amount of suffering; than like the hap…hazard of a blind fate; or

the work of a kind and good God。  Oh; if I had only waited till my

Undine received her woman's soul; what a heaven I might have had

on earth!  She would have filled my studio with light and beauty;

and my life with honor and happiness。  Never; never was there a

more cruel fate than mine!  I shall die; and my only burial will

be the infamy which will cover my memory forever。〃



Then; with a dreary sinking of heart; his mind reverted to the

long future before him that was now so terribly vague and dark。  In

the consciousness of solitude and in order to break the oppressive

stillness; he spoke aloud at intervals between his paroxysms of

pain。  〃After all; what is dying?  I know how deeply rooted in the

human mind is the belief that it is only a departure to another

place and a different condition of life。  Can a conviction that

has been universal in all ages and among all peoples be a delusion?

Then whoever or whatever created human nature built it on a lie。

This accursed rock has fallen on my body; and holds it as if it

were a mere clod of earth; as it soon may be; but it does not hold

my mind。  My thoughts have followed father and dear; dear mother;

and sister Laura across the sea a hundred times to…night。  But oh;

how strangely my thoughts come back from every o

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