winesburg,ohio-第38部分

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ght；〃　he　had　said。　　〃You　must　not　try　to　make　love　definite。　　It　is　the　divine　accident　of　life。　If　you　try　to　be　definite　and　sure　about　it　and　to　live　beneath　the　trees；　where　soft　night　winds　blow；　the　long　hot　day　of　disappointment　comes　swiftly　and　the　gritty　dust　from　passing　wagons　gathers　upon　lips　inflamed　and　made　tender　by　kisses。〃

Elizabeth　Willard　could　not　remember　her　mother　who　had　died　when　she　was　but　five　years　old。　　Her　girlhood　had　been　lived　in　the　most　haphazard　man…　ner　imaginable。　　Her　father　was　a　man　who　had　wanted　to　be　let　alone　and　the　affairs　of　the　hotel　would　not　let　him　alone。　　He　also　had　lived　and　died　a　sick　man。　　Every　day　he　arose　with　a　cheerful　face；　but　by　ten　o'clock　in　the　morning　all　the　joy　had　gone　out　of　his　heart。　　When　a　guest　complained　of　the　fare　in　the　hotel　dining　room　or　one　of　the　girls　who　made　up　the　beds　got　married　and　went　away；　he　stamped　on　the　floor　and　swore。　　At　night　when　he　went　to　bed　he　thought　of　his　daughter　growing　up　among　the　stream　of　people　that　drifted　in　and　out　of　the　hotel　and　was　overcome　with　sadness。　　As　the　girl　grew　older　and　began　to　walk　out　in　the　evening　with　men　he　wanted　to　talk　to　her；　but　when　he　tried　was　not　successful。　　He　always　forgot　what　he　wanted　to　say　and　spent　the　time　complain…　ing　of　his　own　affairs。

In　her　girlhood　and　young　womanhood　Elizabeth　had　tried　to　be　a　real　adventurer　in　life。　　At　eighteen　life　had　so　gripped　her　that　she　was　no　longer　a　virgin　but；　although　she　had　a　half　dozen　lovers　before　she　married　Tom　Willard；　she　had　never　en…　tered　upon　an　adventure　prompted　by　desire　alone。　Like　all　the　women　in　the　world；　she　wanted　a　real　lover。　　Always　there　was　something　she　sought　blindly；　passionately；　some　hidden　wonder　in　life。　The　tall　beautiful　girl　with　the　swinging　stride　who　had　walked　under　the　trees　with　men　was　forever　putting　out　her　hand　into　the　darkness　and　trying　to　get　hold　of　some　other　hand。　　In　all　the　babble　of　words　that　fell　from　the　lips　of　the　men　with　whom　she　adventured　she　was　trying　to　find　what　would　be　for　her　the　true　word；

Elizabeth　had　married　Tom　Willard；　a　clerk　in　her　father's　hotel；　because　he　was　at　hand　and　wanted　to　marry　at　the　time　when　the　determination　to　marry　came　to　her。　　For　a　while；　like　most　young　girls；　she　thought　marriage　would　change　the　face　of　life。　　If　there　was　in　her　mind　a　doubt　of　the　out…　come　of　the　marriage　with　Tom　she　brushed　it　aside。　Her　father　was　ill　and　near　death　at　the　time　and　she　was　perplexed　because　of　the　meaningless　out…　come　of　an　affair　in　which　she　had　just　been　in…　volved。　　Other　girls　of　her　age　in　Winesburg　were　marrying　men　she　had　always　known；　grocery　clerks　or　young　farmers。　　In　the　evening　they　walked　in　Main　Street　with　their　husbands　and　when　she　passed　they　smiled　happily。　　She　began　to　think　that　the　fact　of　marriage　might　be　full　of　some　hidden　significance。　　Young　wives　with　whom　she　talked　spoke　softly　and　shyly。　　〃It　changes　things　to　have　a　man　of　your　own；〃　they　said。

On　the　evening　before　her　marriage　the　perplexed　girl　had　a　talk　with　her　father。　　Later　she　wondered　if　the　hours　alone　with　the　sick　man　had　not　led　to　her　decision　to　marry。　　The　father　talked　of　his　life　and　advised　the　daughter　to　avoid　being　led　into　another　such　muddle。　　He　abused　Tom　Willard；　and　that　led　Elizabeth　to　come　to　the　clerk's　defense。　　The　sick　man　became　excited　and　tried　to　get　out　of　bed。　When　she　would　not　let　him　walk　about　he　began　to　complain。　　〃I've　never　been　let　alone；〃　he　said。　〃Although　I've　worked　hard　I've　not　made　the　hotel　pay。　　Even　now　I　owe　money　at　the　bank。　　You'll　find　that　out　when　I'm　gone。〃

The　voice　of　the　sick　man　became　tense　with　ear…　nestness。　　Being　unable　to　arise；　he　put　out　his　hand　and　pulled　the　girl's　head　down　beside　his　own。　〃There's　a　way　out；〃　he　whispered。　　〃Don't　marry　Tom　Willard　or　anyone　else　here　in　Winesburg。　There　is　eight　hundred　dollars　in　a　tin　box　in　my　trunk。　　Take　it　and　go　away。〃

Again　the　sick　man's　voice　became　querulous。　〃You've　got　to　promise；〃　he　declared。　　〃If　you　won't　promise　not　to　marry；　give　me　your　word　that　you'll　never　tell　Tom　about　the　money。　　It　is　mine　and　if　I　give　it　to　you　I've　the　right　to　make　that　demand。　Hide　it　away。　　It　is　to　make　up　to　you　for　my　failure　as　a　father。　　Some　time　it　may　prove　to　be　a　door；　a　great　open　door　to　you。　　Come　now；　I　tell　you　I'm　about　to　die；　give　me　your　promise。〃


In　Doctor　Reefy's　office；　Elizabeth；　a　tired　gaunt　old　woman　at　forty…one；　sat　in　a　chair　near　the　stove　and　looked　at　the　floor。　　By　a　small　desk　near　the　window　sat　the　doctor。　　His　hands　played　with　a　lead　pencil　that　lay　on　the　desk。　　Elizabeth　talked　of　her　life　as　a　married　woman。　　She　became　impersonal　and　forgot　her　husband；　only　using　him　as　a　lay　figure　to　give　point　to　her　tale。　　〃And　then　I　was　married　and　it　did　not　turn　out　at　all；〃　she　said　bitterly。　　〃As　soon　as　I　had　gone　into　it　I　began　to　be　afraid。　　Perhaps　I　knew　too　much　before　and　then　perhaps　I　found　out　too　much　during　my　first　night　with　him。　　I　don't　remember。

〃What　a　fool　I　was。　　When　father　gave　me　the　money　and　tried　to　talk　me　out　of　the　thought　of　marriage；　I　would　not　listen。　　I　thought　of　what　the　girls　who　were　married　had　said　of　it　and　I　wanted　marriage　also。　　It　wasn't　Tom　I　wanted；　it　was　mar…　riage。　　When　father　went　to　sleep　I　leaned　out　of　the　window　and　thought　of　the　life　I　had　led。　　I　didn't　want　to　be　a　bad　woman。　　The　town　was　full　of　sto…　ries　about　me。　　I　even　began　to　be　afraid　Tom　would　change　his　mind。〃

The　woman's　voice　began　to　quiver　with　excite…　ment。　　To　Doctor　Reefy；　who　without　realizing　what　was　happening　had　begun　to　love　her；　there　came　an　odd　illusion。　　He　thought　that　as　she　talked　the　woman's　body　was　changing；　that　she　was　becom…　ing　younger；　straighter；　stronger。　　When　he　could　not　shake　off　the　illusion　his　mind　gave　it　a　profes…　sional　twist。　　〃It　is　good　for　both　her　body　and　her　mind；　this　talking；〃　he　muttered。

The　woman　began　telling　of　an　incident　that　had　happened　one　afternoon　a　few　months　after　her　marriage。　　Her　voice　became　steadier。　　〃In　the　late　afternoon　I　went　for　a　drive　alone；〃　she　said。　　〃I　had　a　buggy　and　a　little　grey　pony　I　kept　in　Moyer's　Livery。　　Tom　was　painting　and　repapering　rooms　in　the　hotel。　　He　wanted　money　and　I　was　trying　to　make　up　my　mind　to　tell　him　about　the　eight　hun…　dred　dollars　father　had　given　to　me。　　I　couldn't　de…　cide　to　do　it。　　I　didn't　like　him　well　enough。　　There　was　always　paint　on　his　hands　and　face　during　those　days　and　he　smelled　of　paint。　　He　was　trying　to　fix　up　the　old　hotel；　and　make　it　new　and　smart。〃

The　excited　woman　sat　up　very　straight　in　her　chair　and　made　a　quick　girlish　movement　with　her　hand　as　she　told　of　the　drive　alone　on　the　spring　afternoon。　　〃It　was　cloudy　and　a　storm　threatened；〃　she　said。　　〃Black　clouds　made　the　green　of　the　trees　and　the　grass　stand　out　so　that　the　colors　hurt　my　eyes。　　I　went　out　Trunion　Pike　a　mile　or　more　and　then　turned　into　a　side　road。　　The　little　horse　went　quickly　along　up　hill　and　down。　　I　was　impatient。　Thoughts　came　and　I　wanted　to　get　away　from　my　thoughts。　　I　began　to　beat　the　horse。　　The　black　clouds　settled　down　and　it　began　to　rain。　　I　wanted　to　go　at　a　terrible　speed；　to　drive　on　and　on　forever。　　I　wanted　to　get　out　of　town；　out　of　my　clothes；　out　of　my　marriage；　out　of　my　body；　out　of　everything。　I　almost　killed　the　horse；　making　him　run；　and　when　he　could　not　run　any　more　I　got　out　of　the　buggy　and　ran　afoot　into　the　darkness　until　I　fell　and　hurt　my　side。　　I　wanted　to　run　away　from　everything　but　I　wanted　to　run　towards　something　too。　　Don't　you　see；　dear；　how　it　was？〃

Elizabeth　sprang　out　of　the　chair　and　began　to　walk　about　in　the　office。　　She　walked　as　Doctor　Reefy　thought　he　had　never　seen　anyone　walk　before。　　To　her　whole　body　there　was　a　swing；　a　rhythm　that　intoxicated　him。　　When　she　came　and　knelt　on　the　floor　beside　his　chair　he　took　her　into　his　arms　and　began　to　kiss　her　passionately。　　〃I　cried　all　the　way　home；〃　she　said；　as　she　tried　to　continue　the　story　of　her　wild　ride；　but　he　did　not　listen。　　〃You　dear！　You　lovely　dear！　Oh　you　lovely　dear！〃　he　muttered　and　thought　he　held　in　his　arms　not　the　tired…out　woman　of　forty…one　but　a　lovely　and　innocent　girl　who　had　been　able　by　some　miracle　to　project　her…　self　out　of　the　husk　of　the　body　of　the　tired…out　woman。

Doctor　Reefy　did　not　see　the　woman　he　had　held　in　his　arms　again　until　after　her　death。　　On　the　sum…　mer　afternoon　in　the　office　when　he　was　on　the　point　of　becoming　her　lover　a　half　grotesque　little　incident　brought　his　love…making　quickly　to　an　end。　As　the　man　and　woman　held　each　other　tightly　heavy　feet　came　tramping　up　the　office　stairs。　　The　two　sprang　to　their　feet　and　stood　listening　and　trembling。　　The　noise　on　the　stairs　was　made　by　a　clerk　from　the　Paris　Dry　Goods　Company。　　With　a　loud　bang　he　threw　an　empty　box　on　the　pile　of　rubbish　in　the　hallway　and　then　went　heavily　down　the　stairs。　　Elizabeth　followed　him　almost　immedi…　ately。　　The　thing　that　had　come　to　life　in　her　as　she　talked　to　her　one　friend　died　suddenly。　　She　was　hysterical；　as　was　also　Doctor　Reefy；　and　did　not　want　to　continue　the　talk。　　Along　the　street　she　went