the expedition of humphry clinker-第34部分
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in a refutation of lord Bolingbroke's metaphysical works； which
is said to be equally ingenious； and orthodox； but； in the mean
time； he has been presented to the grand jury as a public
nuisance； for having blasphemed in an ale…house on the Lord's
day。 The Scotchman gives lectures on the pronunciation of the
English language； which he is now publishing by subscription。
The Irishman is a political writer； and goes by the name of my
Lord Potatoe。 He wrote a pamphlet in vindication of a minister；
hoping his zeal would be rewarded with some place or pension；
but； finding himself neglected in that quarter； he whispered
about； that the pamphlet was written by the minister himself； and
he published an answer to his own production。 In this； he
addressed the author under the title of your lordship with such
solemnity； that the public swallowed the deceit； and bought up
the whole impression。 The wise politicians of the metropolis
declared they were both masterly performances； and chuckled over
the flimsy reveries of an ignorant garretteer； as the profound
speculations of a veteran statesman； acquainted with all the
secrets of the cabinet。 The imposture was detected in the sequel；
and our Hibernian pamphleteer retains no part of his assumed
importance； but the bare title of my lord。 and the upper part of
the table at the potatoe…ordinary in Shoelane。
Opposite to me sat a Piedmontese； who had obliged the public with
a humorous satire； intituled； The Ballance of the English Poets；
a performance which evinced the great modesty and taste of the
author； and； in particular； his intimacy with the elegancies of
the English language。 The sage； who laboured under the
agrophobia； or horror of green fields； had just finished a
treatise on practical agriculture； though； in fact； he had never
seen corn growing in his life； and was so ignorant of grain； that
our entertainer； in the face of the whole company； made him own；
that a plate of hominy was the best rice pudding he had ever eat。
The stutterer had almost finished his travels through Europe and
part of Asia； without ever budging beyond the liberties of the
King's Bench； except in term…time； with a tipstaff for his
companion； and as for little Tim Cropdale； the most facetious
member of the whole society； he had happily wound up the
catastrophe of a virgin tragedy； from the exhibition of which he
promised himself a large fund of profit and reputation。 Tim had
made shift to live many years by writing novels； at the rate of
five pounds a volume； but that branch of business is now
engrossed by female authors； who publish merely for the
propagation of virtue； with so much ease and spirit； and
delicacy； and knowledge of the human heart； and all in the serene
tranquillity of high life； that the reader is not only inchanted
by their genius； but reformed by their morality。
After dinner； we adjourned into the garden； where； I observed； Mr
S gave a short separate audience to every individual in a small
remote filbert walk； from whence most of them dropt off one after
another； without further ceremony； but they were replaced by
fresh recruits of the same clan； who came to make an afternoon's
visit； and； among others； a spruce bookseller； called Birkin； who
rode his own gelding； and made his appearance in a pair of new
jemmy boots； with massy spurs of plate。 It was not without
reason； that this midwife of the Muses used exercise a…horseback；
for he was too fat to walk a…foot； and he underwent some sarcasms
from Tim Cropdale； on his unwieldy size and inaptitude for
motion。 Birkin； who took umbrage at this poor author's petulance
in presuming to joke upon a man so much richer than himself； told
him； he was not so unwieldy but that he could move the Marshalsea
court for a writ； and even overtake him with it； if he did not
very speedily come and settle accounts with him； respecting the
expence of publishing his last ode to the king of Prussia； of
which he had sold but three； and one of them was to Whitfield the
methodist。 Tim affected to receive this intimation with good
humour； saying； he expected in a post or two； from Potsdam； a
poem of thanks from his Prussian majesty； who knew very well how
to pay poets in their own coin； but； in the mean time； he
proposed； that Mr Birkin and he should run three times round the
garden for a bowl of punch； to be drank at Ashley's in the
evening； and he would run boots against stockings。 The
bookseller； who valued himself upon his mettle； was persuaded to
accept the challenge； and he forthwith resigned his boots to
Cropdale； who； when he had put them on； was no bad representation
of captain Pistol in the play。
Every thing being adjusted； they started together with great
impetuosity； and； in the second round； Birkin had clearly the
advantage； larding the lean earth as he puff'd along。 Cropdale
had no mind to contest the victory further； but； in a twinkling；
disappeared through the back…door of the garden； which opened
into a private lane； that had communication with the high road。
The spectators immediately began to hollow； 'Stole away！' and
Birkin set off in pursuit of him with great eagerness； but he had
not advanced twenty yards in the lane； when a thorn running into
his foot； sent him hopping back into the garden； roaring with
pain； and swearing with vexation。 When he was delivered from this
annoyance by the Scotchman； who had been bred to surgery； he
looked about him wildly； exclaiming； 'Sure； the fellow won't be
such a rogue as to run clear away with my boots！' Our landlord；
having reconnoitered the shoes he had left； which； indeed； hardly
deserved that name； 'Pray （said he）； Mr Birkin； wa'n't your boots
made of calf…skin？' 'Calf…skin or cow…skin （replied the other）
I'll find a slip of sheep…skin that will do his business I lost
twenty pounds by his farce which you persuaded me to buy I am
out of pocket five pounds by his damn'd ode； and now this pair of
boots； bran new； cost me thirty shillings； as per receipt But
this affair of the boots is felony transportation。 I'll have
the dog indicted at the Old Bailey I will； Mr S I will be
reveng'd； even though I should lose my debt in consequence of his
conviction。'
Mr S said nothing at present； but accommodated him with a pair
of shoes； then ordered his servant to rub him down； and comfort
him with a glass of rum…punch； which seemed； in a great measure；
to cool the rage of his indignation。 'After all （said our
landlord） this is no more than a humbug in the way of wit； though
it deserves a more respectable epithet； when considered as an
effort of invention。 Tim； being （I suppose） out of credit with
the cordwainer； fell upon this ingenious expedient to supply the
want of shoes； knowing that Mr Birkin； who loves humour； would
himself relish the joke upon a little recollection。 Cropdale
literally lives by his wit； which he has exercised upon all his
friends in their turns。 He once borrowed my poney for five or six
days to go to Salisbury； and sold him in Smithfield at his
return。 This was a joke of such a serious nature； that； in the
first transports of my passion； I had some thoughts of
prosecuting him for horse…stealing； and even
when my resentment had in some measure subsided； as he
industriously avoided me； I vowed； I would take satisfaction on
his ribs with the first opportunity。 One day； seeing him at some
distance in the street； coming towards me； I began to prepare my
cane for action； and walked in the shadow of a porter； that he
might not perceive me soon enough to make his escape； but； in the
very instant I had lifted up the instrument of correction； I
found Tim Cropdale metamorphosed into a miserable blind wretch；
feeling his way with a long stick from post to post； and rolling
about two bald unlighted orbs instead of eyes。 I was exceedingly
shocked at having so narrowly escaped the concern and disgrace
that would have attended such a misapplication of vengeance： but；
next day； Tim prevailed upon a friend of mine to come and solicit
my forgiveness； and offer his note； payable in six weeks； for the
price of the poney。 This gentleman gave me to understand； that
the blind man was no other than Cropdale； who having seen me
advancing； and guessing my intent； had immediately converted
himself into the object aforesaid I was so diverted at the
ingenuity of the evasion； that I agreed to pardon his offence；
refusing his note； however； that I might keep a prosecution for
felony hanging over his head； as a security for his future good
behaviour But Timothy would by no means trust himself in my
hands till the note was accepted then he made his appearance at
my door as a blind beggar； and imposed in such a manner upon my
man； who had been his old acquaintance and pot…companion； that
the fellow threw the door in his face； and even threatened to
give him the bastinado。 Hearing a noise in the hall； I went
thither； and immediately recollecting the figure I had passed in
the street； accosted him by his own name； to the unspeakable
astonishment of the footman。'
Birkin declared he loved a joke as well as another； but asked if
any of the company could tell where Mr Cropdale lodged； that
