the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第4部分

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1000　pounds　which　I　exhibited　there　was　stuffed　out　with　pillers
and　cushions；　which　he　said　one　very　hot　day　in　July；　〃Oh　bother；
I　can't　stand　this；〃　and　commenced　pullin　the　pillers　out　from
under　his　weskit；　and　heavin　'em　at　the　audience。　　I　never　saw　a
man　lose　flesh　so　fast　in　my　life。　　The　audience　said　I　was　a
pretty　man　to　come　chiselin　my　own　townsmen　in　that　way。　　I　said；
〃Do　not　be　angry；　feller…citizens。　　I　exhibited　him　simply　as　a
work　of　art。　　I　simply　wished　to　show　you　that　a　man　could　grow
fat　without　the　aid　of　cod…liver　oil。〃　　But　they　wouldn't　listen
to　me。　　They　are　a　low　and　grovelin　set　of　peple；　who　excite　a
feelin　of　loathin　in　every　brest　where　lorfty　emotions　and
original　idees　have　a　bidin　place。

I　stopped　at　Leamington　a　few　minits　on　my　way　to　Stratford　onto
the　Avon；　and　a　very　beautiful　town　it　is。　　I　went　into　a　shoe
shop　to　make　a　purchis；　and　as　I　entered　I　saw　over　the　door
those　dear　familiar　words；　〃By　Appintment：　　H。R。H。；〃　and　I　said
to　the　man；　〃Squire；　excuse　me；　but　this　is　too　much。　　I　have
seen　in　London　four　hundred　boot　and　shoe　shops　by　Appintment：
H。R。H。；　and　now　YOU'RE　at　it。　　It　is　simply　onpossible　that　the
Prince　can　wear　400　pairs　of　boots。　　Don't　tell　me；〃　I　said；　in　a
voice　choked　with　emotion〃Oh；　do　not　tell　me　that　you　also　make
boots　for　him。　　Say　slipperssay　that　you　mend　a　boot　now　and
then　for　him；　but　do　not　tell　me　that　you　make　'em　reg'lar　for
him。〃

The　man　smilt；　and　said　I　didn't　understand　these　things。　　He
said　I　perhaps　had　not　noticed　in　London　that　dealers　in　all
sorts　of　articles　was　By　Appintment。　　I　said；　〃Oh；　HADN'T　I？〃
Then　a　sudden　thought　flasht　over　me。　　〃I　have　it！〃　I　said。
〃When　the　Prince　walks　through　a　street；　he　no　doubt　looks　at　the
shop　windows。〃

The　man　said；　〃No　doubt。〃

〃And　the　enterprisin　tradesman；〃　I　continnerd；　〃the　moment　the
Prince　gets　out　of　sight；　rushes　frantically　and　has　a　tin　sign
painted；　By　Appintment；　H。R。H。！　　It　is　a　beautiful；　a　great
idee！〃

I　then　bought　a　pair　of　shoe　strings；　and　wringin　the　shopman's
honest　hand；　I　started　for　the　Tomb　of　Shakspeare　in　a　hired　fly。
It　look't　however　more　like　a　spider。

〃And　this；〃　I　said；　as　I　stood　in　the　old　church…yard　at
Stratford；　beside　a　Tombstone；　〃this　marks　the　spot　where　lies
William　W。　Shakspeare。　　Alars！　and　this　is　the　spot　where〃

〃You've　got　the　wrong　grave；〃　said　a　mana　worthy　villager：
〃Shakspeare　is　buried　inside　the　church。〃

〃Oh；〃　I　said；　〃a　boy　told　me　this　was　it。〃　　The　boy　larfed　and
put　the　shillin　I'd　given　him　onto　his　left　eye　in　a　inglorious
manner；　and　commenced　moving　backwards　towards　the　street。

I　pursood　and　captered　him；　and　after　talking　to　him　a　spell　in　a
skarcastic　stile；　I　let　him　went。

The　old　church　was　damp　and　chill。　　It　was　rainin。　　The　only
persons　there　when　I　entered　was　a　fine　bluff　old　gentleman　who
was　talking　in　a　excited　manner　to　a　fashnibly　dressed　young　man。

〃No；　Earnest　Montresser；〃　the　old　gentleman　said；　〃it　is　idle　to
pursoo　this　subjeck　no　further。　　You　can　never　marry　my　daughter。
You　were　seen　last　Monday　in　Piccadilly　without　a　umbreller！　　I
said　then；　as　I　say　now；　any　young　man　as　venturs　out　in　a
uncertain　climit　like　this　without　a　umbreller；　lacks　foresight；
caution；　strength　of　mind　and　stability；　and　he　is　not　a　proper
person　to　intrust　a　daughter's　happiness　to。〃

I　slapt　the　old　gentleman　on　the　shoulder；　and　I　said：　　〃You're
right！　　You're　one　of　those　kind　of　men；　you　are〃

He　wheeled　suddenly　round；　and　in　a　indignant　voice；　said；　〃Go
waygo　way！　This　is　a　privit　intervoo。〃

I　didn't　stop　to　enrich　the　old　gentleman's　mind　with　my
conversation。　　I　sort　of　inferred　that　he　wasn't　inclined　to
listen　to　me；　and　so　I　went　on。　But　he　was　right　about　the
umbreller。　　I'm　really　delighted　with　this　grand　old　country；
〃Mr。　Punch；〃　but　you　must　admit　that　it　does　rain　rayther
numerously　here。　　Whether　this　is　owing　to　a　monerkal　form　of
gov'ment　or　not　I　leave　all　candid　and　onprejudiced　persons　to
say。

William　Shakspeare　was　born　in　Stratford　in　1564。　　All　the
commentaters；　Shaksperian　scholars；　etsetry；　are　agreed　on　this；
which　is　about　the　only　thing　they　are　agreed　on　in　regard　to
him；　except　that　his　mantle　hasn't　fallen　onto　any　poet　or
dramatist　hard　enough　to　hurt　said　poet　or　dramatist　MUCH。　　And
there　is　no　doubt　if　these　commentaters　and　persons　continner
investigating　Shakspeare's　career；　we　shall　not；　in　doo　time；
know　anything　about　it　at　all。

When　a　mere　lad　little　William　attended　the　Grammar　School；
because；　as　he　said；　the　Grammar　School　wouldn't　attend　him。
This　remarkable　remark；　comin　from　one　so　young　and　inexperunced；
set　peple　to　thinkin　there　might　be　somethin　in　this　lad。　　He
subsequently　wrote　〃Hamlet〃　and　〃George　Barnwell。〃　　When　his　kind
teacher　went　to　London　to　accept　a　position　in　the　offices　of　the
Metropolitan　Railway；　little　William　was　chosen　by　his　fellow
pupils　to　deliver　a　farewell　address。

〃Go　on；　Sir；〃　he　said；　〃in　a　glorus　career。　　Be　like　a　eagle；　and
soar　and　the　soarer　you　get　the　more　we　shall　all　be　gratified！
That's　so。〃

My　young　readers；　who　wish　to　know　about　Shakspeare；　better　get
these　vallyable　remarks　framed。

I　returned　to　the　hotel。　　Meetin　a　young　married　couple；　they
asked　me　if　I　could　direct　them　to　the　hotel　which　Washington
Irving　used　to　keep？

〃I've　understood　that　he　was　onsuccessful　as　a　lan'lord；〃　said
the　lady。

〃We've　understood；〃　said　the　young　man；　〃that　he　busted　up。〃

I　told　'em　I　was　a　stranger；　and　hurried　away。　　They　were　from　my
country；　and　ondoubtedly　represented　a　thrifty　Ile　well　somewhere
in　Pennsylvany。　It's　a　common　thing；　by　the　way；　for　a　old　farmer
in　Pennsylvany　to　wake　up　some　mornin'　and　find　ile　squirtin　all
around　his　back　yard。　　He　sells　out　for　'normous　price；　and　his
children　put　on　gorgeous　harness　and　start　on　a　tower　to　astonish
people。　　They　succeed　in　doin　it。　　Meantime　the　Ile　squirts　and
squirts；　and　Time　rolls　on。　　Let　it　roll。

A　very　nice　old　town　is　Stratford；　and　a　capital　inn　is　the　Red
Horse。　　Every　admirer　of　the　great　S。　must　go　there　once
certinly；　and　to　say　one　isn't　a　admirer　of　him；　is　equv'lent　to
sayin　one　has　jest　about　brains　enough　to　become　a　efficient
tinker。

Some　kind　person　has　sent　me　Chawcer's　〃poems。〃　　Mr。　C。　had
talent；　but　he　couldn't　spel。　　No　man　has　a　right　to　be　a
lit'rary　man　onless　he　knows　how　to　spel。　　It　is　a　pity　that
Chawcer；　who　had　geneyus；　was　so　unedicated。　　He's　the　wuss
speller　I　know　of。

I　guess　I'm　through；　and　so　I　lay　down　the　pen；　which　is　more
mightier　than　the　sword；　but　which　I'm　fraid　would　stand　a
rayther　slim　chance　beside　the　needle　gun。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Adoo！　　Adoo！
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。5。　　IS　INTRODUCED　AT　THE　CLUB。


MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；It　is　seldim　that　the　Commercial
relations　between　Great　Britain　and　the　United　States　is　mar'd
by　Games。

It　is　Commerce　after　all；　which　will　keep　the　two　countries
friendly　to'ards　each　other　rather　than　statesmen。

I　look　at　your　last　Parliament；　and　I　can't　see　that　a　single
speech　was　encored　during　the　entire　session。

Look　at　Congressbut　no；　I'd　rather　not　look　at　Congress。

Entertainin　this　great　regard　for　Commerce；　〃whose　sales　whiten
every　sea；〃　as　everybody　happily　observes　every　chance　he　gets；　I
learn　with　disgust　and　surprise　that　a　British　subjeck　bo't　a
Barril　of　Apple　Sass　in　America　recently；　and　when　he　arrove　home
he　found　under　a　few　deloosiv　layers　of　sass　nothin　but　sawdust。
I　should　have　instintly　gone　into　the　City　and　called　a　meetin　of
the　leadin　commercial　men　to　condemn　and　repudiate；　as　a
American；　this　gross　frawd；　if　I　hadn't　learned　at　the　same　time
that　the　draft　given　by　the　British　subjeck　in　payment　for　this
frawdylent　sass　was　drawed　onto　a　Bankin　House　in　London　which
doesn't　have　a　existance；　but　far　otherwise；　and　never　did。

There　is　those　who　larf　at　these　things；　but　to　me　they　merit
rebooks　and　frowns。

With　the　exception　of　my　Uncle　Wilyimwho；　as　I've　before
stated；　is　a　uncle　by　marrige　only；　who　is　a　low　cuss　and　filled
his　coat　pockets　with　pies　and　biled　eggs　at　his　weddin
breakfast；　given　to　him　by　my　father；　and　made　the　clergyman　as
united　him　a　present　of　my　father's　new　overcoat；　and　when　my
father　on　discoverin'　it　got　in　a　rage　and　denounced　him；　Uncle
Wilyim　said　the　old　man　（meanin　my　parent）　hadn't　any　idee　of
first　class　Humer！with　the　exception　of　this　wretched　Uncle　the
escutchin　of　my　fam'ly　has　never　been　stained　by　Games。　　The
little　harmless　deceptions　I　resort　to　in　my　perfeshion　I　do　not
call　Games。　　They　are　sacrifisses　to　Art。

I　come　of　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

The　Wards　is　a　very　clever　fam'ly　indeed。

I　believe　we　are　descendid　from　the　Puritins；　who　nobly　fled　from
a　land　of　despitism　to　a　land　of　freedim；　where　they　could　not
only　enjoy　their　own　religion；　but　prevent　everybody　else　from
enjoyin　HIS。

As　I　said　before；　we　are　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

I　was　strolling　up　Regent　Street　the　other　day；　thinkin　what　a
clever　fam'ly　I　come　of；　and　looking　at　the　gay　shop…winders。
I've　got　some　new　c