the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第3部分

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your　enrapterd　soul　drinks　in　the　lorfty　and　noble　sentences　of
the　gifted　artists；　you　can　eat　a　biled　mack'ril　jest　as
comfor'bly　as　in　your　own　house。　　I　felt　constrained；　however；　to
tell　a　fond　mother　who　sot　immegitly　behind　me；　and　who　was
accompanied　by　a　gin　bottle；　and　a　young　infantI　felt
constrained　to　tell　that　mother；　when　her　infant　playfully
mingled　a　rayther　oily　mack'ril　with　the　little　hair　which　is
left　on　my　vener'ble　hed；　that　I　had　a　bottle　of　scented　hair　oil
at　home；　which　on　the　whole　I　tho't　I　preferred　to　that　which　her
orfspring　was　greasin　me　with。　　This　riled　the　excellent　feamale；
and　she　said：

〃Git　out！　　You　never　was　a　infank　yourself；　I　spose！　　Oh　no！　　You
was　too　good　to　be　a　infank；　you　was！　　You　slid　into　the　world
all　ready　grow'd；　didn't　you？　　Git　out！〃

〃No；　Madam；〃　I　replied；　〃I　too　was　once　a　infant！　　I　was　a　luvly
child。　　People　used　to　come　in　large　and　enthoosiastic　crowds
from　all　parts　of　the　country　to　see　me；　I　was　such　a　sweet　and
intel'gent　infant。　　The　excitement　was　so　intens；　in　fack；　that　a
extra　hotel　was　startid　in　the　town　to　accomodate　the　peple　who
thronged　to　my　cradle。〃　　Havin　finished　these　troothful
statemints；　I　smilt　sweetly　on　the　worthy　female。　　She　said：

〃Drat　you；　what　do　you　come　a…chaffin　me　for？〃　and　the　estymible
woman　was　really　gettin　furis；　when　I　mollyfied　her　by　praisin
her　child；　and　by　axin　pardin　for　all　I'd　said。

〃This　little　gal；〃　I　observed；　〃this　surprisingly　lively　gal
when〃　the　mother　said；

〃It's　t'other　sect　is　he；　Sir：　　it's　a　boy。〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃then　this　little　boy；　whose　eye　is　like　a　eagle
a…soaring　proudly　in　the　azure　sky；　will　some　day　be　a　man；　if　he
don't　choke　hisself　to　death　in　childhood's　sunny　hours　with　a
smelt　or　a　bloater；　or　some　other　drefful　calamity。　　How　surblime
the　tho't；　my　dear　Madam；　that　this　infant　as　you　fondle　on　your
knee　on　this　night；　may　grow　up　into　a　free　and　independent
citizen；　whose　vote　will　be　worth　from　ten　to　fifteen　pounds；
accordin　as　suffrage　may　range　at　that　joyous　perid！〃

Let　us　now　return；　jentle　reader；　to　the　lan'lord　of　the　Green
Lion；　who　we　left　in　the　bar　in　a　state　of　anxiety　and　perspire。
Rubbin　his　hot　face　with　a　red　handkercher；　he　said；　〃Is　the
strange　bein　a　American？〃

〃He　is。〃

〃A　Gen'ral？〃

〃No。〃

〃A　Colonial？〃

〃No。〃

〃A　Majer？〃

〃Not　a　Majer。〃

〃A　Capting？〃

〃He　is　not。〃

〃A　leftenant？〃

〃Not　even　that。〃

〃Then；〃　said　the　lan'lord　of　the　Green　Lion；　〃you　ar　deceeved！
He　is　no　countryman　of　yours。〃

〃Why　not？〃　I　said。

〃I　will　tell　you；　Sir；〃　said　the　lan'lord。　　〃My　son…in…law　is
employed　in　a　bankin　house　where　ev'ry　American　as　comes　to　these
shores　goes　to　git　his　drafts　casht；　and　he　says　that　not　one　has
arrived　on　these　shores　during　the　last　18　months　as　wasn't　a
Gen'ral；　a　Colonial；　a　Majer；　a　Capting；　or　a　leftenant！　　This
man；　as　I　said　afore；　has　deceeved　you！　　He's　a　imposture！〃

I　reeled　into　a　chair。　　For　a　minit　I　was　speechlis。　　At　length　I
murmured；　〃Alars！　　I　fear　it　is　too　troo！　　Even　I　was　a　Capting
of　the　Home　Gards。〃

〃To　be　sure；〃　said　the　lan'lord；　〃you　all　do　it　over　there。〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃whatever　nation　this　person　belongs　to；　we　may
as　well　go　and　hear　him　lectur　this　evenin。　　He　is　one　of　these
spirit　fellershe　is　a　Trans…Mejim；　and　when　he　slings　himself
into　a　trans…state　he　says　the　sperits　of　departed　great　men　talk
through　him。　　He　says　that　to…night　sev'ril　em'nent　persons　will
speak　through　himamong　others；　Cromwell。〃

〃And　this　Mr。　Cromwellis　he　dead？〃　said　the　lan'lord。

I　told　him　that　Oliver　was　no　more。

〃It's　a　umbug；〃　said　the　lan'lord；　to　which　I　replied　that　we'd
best　go　and　see；　and　we　went。　　We　was　late；　on　account　of　the
lan'lord's　extensiv　acquaintans　with　the　public　house　keepers
along　the　road；　and　the　hall　was　some　two　miles　distant；　but　we
got　there　at　last。　　The　hall　was　about　half　full；　and　the　Mejim
was　just　then　assumin'　to　be　Benjamin　Franklin；　who　was　speakin
about　the　Atlantic　Cable。

He　said　the　Cable　was　really　a　merrytorious　affair；　and　that
messiges　could　be　sent　to　America；　and　there　was　no　doubt　about
their　gettin　there　in　the　course　of　a　week　or　two；　which　he　said
was　a　beautiful　idear；　and　much　quicker　than　by　steamer　or
canal…boat。　　It　struck　me　that　if　this　was　Franklin　a　spiritooal
life　hadn't　improved　the　old　gentleman's　intellecks　particly。

The　audiens　was　mostly　composed　of　rayther　pale　peple；　whose　eyes
I　tho't　rolled　round　in　a　somewhat　wild　manner。　　But　they　was
well…behaved；　and　the　females　kept　saying；　〃How　beautiful！　　What
a　surblime　thing　it　is；〃　et　cetry；　et　cetry。　　Among　the　females
was　one　who　was　a　fair　and　rosy　young　woman。　　She　sot　on　the　same
seat　we　did；　and　the　lan'lord　of　the　Green　Lion；　whose　frekent
intervoos　with　other　lan'lords　that　evenin　had　been　too　much　for
him；　fastened　his　left　eye　on　the　fair　and　rosy　young　person；　and
smilin　lovinly　upon　her；　said：

〃You　may　give　me；　my　dear；　four…penny…worth　of　gincold　gin。　　I
take　it　cold；　because〃

There　was　cries　of　〃Silence！　　Shame！　　Put　him　out！　　The　Skoffer！〃

〃Ain't　we　at　the　Spotted　Boar？〃　the　lan'lord　hoarsely　whispered。

〃No；〃　I　answered。　　〃It's　another　kind　of　bore。　　Lis'en。　　Cromwell
is　goin'　to　speak　through　our　inspired　fren'；　now。〃

〃Is　he？〃　said　the　lan'lord〃is　he？　　Wall；　I've　suthin　to　say；
also。　　Was　this　Cromwell　a　licensed　vittler？〃

〃Not　that　I　ever　heard；〃　I　anserd。

〃I'm　sorry　for　that；〃　said　the　lan'lord　with　a　sigh；　〃but　you
think　he　was　a　man　who　would　wish　to　see　licensed　vittlers
respected　in　their　rights？〃

〃No　doubt。〃

〃Wall；〃　said　the　lan'lord；　〃jest　you　keep　a　eye　on　me。〃　　Then
risin　to　his　feet　he　said；　in　somewhat　husky　yet　tol'bly　distink
voice；　〃Mr。　Crumbwell！〃

〃Cromwell！〃　I　cried。

〃Yes；　Mr。　Cromwell：　　that's　the　man　I　mean；　Mr。　Cromble！　won't
you　please　advise　that　gen'l'man　who　you're　talkin　through；　won't
you　advise'im　during　your　elekant　speech　to　settle　his　bill　at　my
'ouse　tonight；　Mr。　Crumbles；〃　said　the　lan'lord；　glarin'　savigely
round　on　the　peple；　〃because　if　he　don't　there'll　be　a　punched
'ed　to　be　seen　at　the　Green　Lion；　where　I　don't　want　no　more　of
this　everlastin　nonsens。　　I'LL　talk　through　'im！　　Here's　a
sperrit；〃　said　the　lan'lord；　a　smile　once　more　beamin　on　his
face；　〃which　will　talk　through　him　like　a　Dutch　father！　　I'm　the
sperrit　for　you；　young　feller！〃

〃You're　a　helthy　old　sperret；〃　I　remarkt；　and　then　I　saw　the
necessity　of　gettin　him　out　of　the　hall。　　The　wimin　was　yellin
and　screaming；　and　the　men　was　hollerin'　perlice。　　A　perliceman
really　came　and　collerd　my　fat　fren。

〃It's　only　a　fit；　Sir　Richard；〃　I　said。　　I　always　call　the
perlice　Sir　Richard。　　It　pleases　them　to　think　I'm　the　victim　of
a　deloosion；　and　they　always　treat　me　perlitely。　　This　one　did；
certainly；　for　he　let　us　go。　　We　saw　no　more　of　the　Trans…Mejim。

It's　diffikilt；　of　course；　to　say　how　long　these　noosances　will
be　allowed　to　prowl　round。　　I　should　say；　however；　if　pressed　for
a　answer　that　they　will　prob'ly　continner　on　jest　about　as　long
as　they　can　find　peple　to　lis'en　to　'em。　　Am　I　right？

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Yours；　faithfull；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。4。　　AT　THE　TOMB　OF　SHAKSPEARE。

Mr。　Punch；　My　dear　Sir；I've　been　lingerin　by　the　Tomb　of　the
lamentid　Shakspeare。

It　is　a　success。

I　do　not　hes'tate　to　pronounce　it　as　such。

You　may　make　any　use　of　this　opinion　that　you　see　fit。　　If　you
think　its　publication　will　subswerve　the　cause　of　litteraoor；　you
may　publicate　it。

I　told　my　wife　Betsy　when　I　left　home　that　I　should　go　to　the
birthplace　of　the　orthur　of　〃Otheller〃　and　other　Plays。　　She　said
that　as　long　as　I　kept　out　of　Newgate　she　didn't　care　where　I
went。

〃But；〃　I　said；　〃don't　you　know　he　was　the　greatest　Poit　that　ever
lived？　　Not　one　of　these　common　poits；　like　that　young　idyit　who
writes　verses　to　our　daughter；　about　the　Roses　as　growses；　and
the　Breezes　as　blowsesbut　a　Boss　Poitalso　a　philosopher；　also
a　man　who　knew　a　great　deal　about　everything。〃

She　was　packing　my　things　at　the　time；　and　the　only　answer　she
made　was　to　ask　me　if　I　was　goin　to　carry　both　of　my　red　flannel
night…caps。

Yes。　　I've　been　to　Stratford　onto　the　Avon；　the　Birthplace　of
Shakspeare。　Mr。　S。　is　now　no　more。　　He's　been　dead　over　three
hundred　（300）　years。　　The　peple　of　his　native　town　are　justly
proud　of　him。　　They　cherish　his　mem'ry；　and　them　as　sell　pictures
of　his　birthplace；　&c。；　make　it　prof'tible　cherishin　it。　　Almost
everybody　buys　a　pictur　to　put　into　their　Albiom。

As　I　stood　gazing　on　the　spot　where　Shakspeare　is　s'posed　to　have
fell　down　on　the　ice　and　hurt　hisself　when　a　boy；　（this　spot
cannot　be　boughtthe　town　authorities　say　it　shall　never　be
taken　from　Stratford）；　I　wondered　if　three　hundred　years　hence
picturs　of　MY　birthplace　will　be　in　demand？　　Will　the　peple　of　my
native　town　be　proud　of　me　in　three　hundred　years？　　I　guess　they
won't　short　of　that　time　because　they　say　the　fat　man　weighing
1000　pounds　which　I　exhibited　there　was　stuffed　out　with　pillers
and　cushions；　which　he　said　one　very　hot　day　in　July；　〃Oh　bother