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                                     420 BC

                                 THE ACHARNIANS

                                by Aristophanes

                              anonymous translator




                CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY



    DICAEOPOLIS

    HERALD

    AMPHITHEUS

    AMBASSADORS

    PSEUDARTABAS

    THEORUS

    DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS

    SLAVE OF EURIPIDES

    EURIPIDES

    LAMACHUS

    A MEGARIAN

    TWO YOUNG GIRLS; daughters of the Megarian

    AN INFORMER

    A BOEOTIAN

    NICARCHUS

    SLAVE OF LAMACHUS

    A HUSBANDMAN

    A WEDDING GUEST

    CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN CHARCOAL BURNERS

ACHARIANS

    (SCENE:…The Orchestra represents the Pnyx at Athens; in the back…

    ground are the usual houses; this time three in number; belonging

    to Dicaeopolis; Euripides; and Lamachus respectively。)



  DICAEOPOLIS (alone)

    What cares have not gnawed at my heart and how few have been the

pleasures in my life! Four; to be exact; while my troubles have been

as countless as the grains of sand on the shore! Let me see! of what

value to me have been these few pleasures? Ah! I remember that I was

delighted in soul when Cleon had to cough up those five talents; I was

in ecstasy and I love the Knights for this deed; 〃it is an honour to

Greece。〃 But the day when I was impatiently awaiting a piece by

Aeschylus; what tragic despair it caused me when the herald called;

〃Theognis; introduce your Chorus!〃 Just imagine how this blow struck

straight at my heart! On the other hand; what joy Dexitheus caused

me at the musical competition; when right after Moschus he played a

Boeotian melody on the lyre! But this year by contrast! Oh! what

deadly torture to hear Chaeris perform the prelude in the Orthian

mode!…Never; however; since I began to bathe; has the dust hurt my

eyes as it does to…day。 Still it is the day of assembly; all should be

here at daybreak; and yet the Pnyx is still deserted。 They are

gossiping in the market…place; slipping hither and thither to avoid

the vermilioned rope。 The Prytanes even do not come; they will be

late; but when they come they will push and fight each other for a

seat in the front row。 They will never trouble themselves with the

question of peace。 Oh! Athens! Athens! As for myself; I do not fail to

come here before all the rest; and now; finding myself alone; I groan;

yawn; stretch; fart; and know not what to do; I make sketches in the

dust; pull out my loose hairs; muse; think of my fields; long for

peace; curse town life and regret my dear country home; which never

told me to 〃buy fuel; vinegar or oil〃; there the word 〃buy;〃 which

cuts me in two; was unknown; I harvested everything at will。 Therefore

I have come to the assembly fully prepared to bawl; interrupt and

abuse the speakers; if they talk of anything but peace。 (The Orchestra

begins to fill with people。) But here come the Prytanes; and high time

too; for it is midday! There; just as I said; they are pushing and

fighting for the front seats。

  HERALD (officiously)

    Step forward; step forward; get within the consecrated area。

  AMPHITHEUS (rising)

    Has anyone spoken yet?

  HERALD

    Who asks to speak?

  AMPHITHEUS

    I do。

  HERALD

    Your name?

  AMPHITHEUS

    Amphitheus。

  HERALD

    Are you not a man?

  AMPHITHEUS

    No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and

Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus; Celeus wedded Phaenerete; my

grandmother; whose son was Lycinus; and; being born of him I am an

immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of

treating with the Lacedaemonians。 But; citizens; though I am immortal;

I am dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me nothing。

  HERALD (calling)

    Officers!

  AMPHITHEUS (as the Scythian policemen seize him)

    Oh; Triptolemus and Celeus; do ye thus forsake your own blood?

  DICAEOPOLIS (rising)

    Prytanes; in expelling this citizen; you are offering an outrage

to the Assembly。 He only desired to secure peace for us and to sheathe

the sword。

                                  (The Scythians release Amphitheus。)

  HERALD

    Sit down! Silence!

  DICAEOPOLIS

    No; by Apollo; I will not; unless you are going to discuss the

question of peace。

  HERALD (ignoring this; loudly)

    The ambassadors; who are returned from the Court of the King!

  DICAEOPOLIS

    Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds; the peacock

ambassadors and their swagger。

  HERALD

    Silence!

  DICAEOPOLIS (as he perceives the entering ambassadors dressed in the

                         Persian mode)

    Oh! oh! By Ecbatana; what a costume!

  AMBASSADOR (pompously)

    During the archonship of Euthymenes; you sent us to the Great King

on a salary of two drachmae per diem。

  DICAEOPOLIS (aside)

    Ah! those poor drachmae!

  AMBASSADOR

    We suffered horribly on the plains of the Cayster; sleeping

under tent; stretched deliciously on fine chariots; half dead with

weariness。

  DICAEOPOLIS (aside)

    And I was very much at ease; lying on the straw along the

battlements!

  AMBASSADOR

    Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink delicious

wine out of golden or crystal flagons。。。。。

  DICAEOPOLIS (aside)

    Oh; city of Cranaus; thy ambassadors are laughing at thee!

    AMBASSADOR

    For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as men

by the barbarians。

  DICAEOPOLIS (aside)

    Just as here in Athens; we only esteem the wenchers and pederasts。

  AMBASSADOR

    At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court; but

he had left with his whole army to take a crap; and for the space of

eight months he was thus sitting on the can in the midst of the golden

mountains。

  DICAEOPOLIS (aside)

    And how long did it take him to close his arse? A month?

  AMBASSADOR

    After this he returned to his palace; then he entertained us and

had us served with oxen roasted whole in an oven。

  DICAEOPOLIS (aside)

    Who ever saw an ox roasted in an oven? What a lie!

  AMBASSADOR

    And one day; by Zeus; he also had us served with a bird three

times as large as Cleonymus; and called the Hoax。

  DICAEOPOLIS (aside)

    And do we give you two drachmae; that you should hoax us thus?

  AMBASSADOR

    We are bringing to you Pseudartabas; the King's Eye。

  DICAEOPOLIS

    I would a crow might pluck out yours with his beak; you cursed

ambassador!

  HERALD (loudly)

    The King's Eye!

    (Enter PSEUDARTABAS; in Persian costume; his mask is one great

         eye; he is accompanied by two eunuchs。)

  DICAEOPOLIS (as he sees kim)

    Good God! Friend; with your great eye; round like the hole through

which the oarsman passes his sweep; you have the air of a galley

doubling a cape to gain port。

  AMBASSADOR

    Come; Pseudartabas; give forth the message for the Athenians

with which you were charged by the Great King。

  PSEUDARTABAS

    I artamane Xarxas apiaona satra。

  AMBASSADOR (to DICAEOPOLIS)

    Do you understand what he says?

  DICAEOPOLIS

    God; no!

  AMBASSADOR (to the PRYTANES)

    He says that the Great King will send you gold。 (to

PSEUDARTABAS) Come; utter the word 'gold' louder and more distinctly。

  PSEUDARTABAS

    Thou shalt not have gold; thou gaping…arsed Ionian。

  DICAEOPOLIS

    Ah! God help us; but that's clear enough!

  AMBASSADOR

    What does he say?

  DICAEOPOLIS

    That the Ionians are gaping…arsed; if they expect to receive

gold from the barbarians。

  AMBASSADOR

    Not so; he speaks of bushels of gold。

  DICAEOPOLIS

    What bushels? You're nothing but a wind…bag; get out of the way; I

will find out the truth by myself。 (to PSEUDARTABAS) Come now;

answer me clearly; if you do not wish me to dye your skin red。 Will

the Great King send us gold? (PSEUDARTABAS makes a negative sign。)

Then our ambassadors are seeking to deceive us? (PSEUDARTABAS signs

affirmatively。) These fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure

that they are nothing but Athenians。 Oh! ho! I recognize one of

these eunuchs; it is Clisthenes; the son of Sibyrtius。 Behold the

effrontery of this shaven and provocative arse! How; you big baboon;

with such a beard do you seek to play the eunuch to us? And this other

one? Is it not Straton?

  HERALD

    Silence! Sit down! The Senate invites the King's Eye to the

Prytaneum。

                           (The AMBASSADORS and PSEUDARTABAS depart。)

  DICAEOPOLIS

    Is this not sufficient to drive a man to hang himself? Here I

stand chilled to the bone; whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly

wide open to lodge such rascals。 But I will do something great and

bold。 Where is Amphitheus? Come and speak with me。

  AMPHITHEUS

    Here I am。

  DICAEOPOLIS

    Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with the

Lace daemonians for me; my wife and 

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