1 twilight暮色-第47部分

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He　shrugged；　allowing　that；　and　we　both　laughed　in　whispers。　

〃But　how　can　it　be　so　easy　now？〃　I　pressed。　〃This　afternoon…〃　

〃It's　not　easy；〃　he　sighed。　〃But　this　afternoon；　I　was　still…　undecided。　
I　am　sorry　about　that；　it　was　unforgivable　for　me　to　behave　so。〃　

〃Not　unforgivable；〃　I　disagreed。　

〃Thank　you。〃　He　smiled。　〃You　see；〃　he　continued；　looking　down　now；　〃I　
wasn't　sure　if　I　was　strong　enough…〃　He　picked　up　one　of　my　hands　and　
pressed　it　lightly　to　his　face。　〃And　while　there　was　still　that　
possibility　that　I　might　be…　overe〃　—　he　breathed　in　the　scent　at　my　
wrist　—　〃I　was…　susceptible。　Until　I　made　up　my　mind　that　I　was　strong　
enough；　that　there　was　no　possibility　at　all　that　I　would…　that　I　ever　
could…〃　

I'd　never　seen　him　struggle　so　hard　for　words。　It　was　so…　human。　

〃So　there's　no　possibility　now？〃　

〃Mind　over　matter；〃　he　repeated；　smiling；　his　teeth　bright　even　in　the　
darkness。　

〃Wow；　that　was　easy；〃　I　said。　

He　threw　back　his　head　and　laughed；　quietly　as　a　whisper；　but　still　
exuberantly。　

〃Easy　for　you！〃　he　amended；　touching　my　nose　with　his　fingertip。　

And　then　his　face　was　abruptly　serious。　

〃I'm　trying；〃　he　whispered；　his　voice　pained。　〃If　it　gets　to　be…　too　
much；　I'm　fairly　sure　I'll　be　able　to　leave。〃　

I　scowled。　I　didn't　like　the　talk　of　leaving。　

〃And　it　will　be　harder　tomorrow；〃　he　continued。　〃I've　had　the　scent　of　
you　in　my　head　all　day；　and　I've　grown　amazingly　desensitized。　If　I'm　
away　from　you　for　any　length　of　time；　I'll　have　to　start　over　again。　Not　
quite　from　scratch；　though；　I　think。〃　

〃Don't　go　away；　then；〃　I　responded；　unable　to　hide　the　longing　in　my　
voice。　

〃That　suits　me；〃　he　replied；　his　face　relaxing　into　a　gentle　smile。　
〃Bring　on　the　shackles　—　I'm　your　prisoner。〃　But　his　long　hands　formed　
manacles　around　my　wrists　as　he　spoke。　He　laughed　his　quiet；　musical　
laugh。　He'd　laughed　more　tonight　than　I'd　ever　heard　in　all　the　time　I'd　
spent　with　him。　

〃You　seem　more…　optimistic　than　usual；〃　I　observed。　〃I　haven't　seen　you　
like　this　before。〃　

〃Isn't　it　supposed　to　be　like　this？〃　He　smiled。　〃The　glory　of　first　love；　
and　all　that。　It's　incredible；　isn't　it；　the　difference　between　reading　
about　something；　seeing　it　in　the　pictures；　and　experiencing　it？〃　

〃Very　different；〃　I　agreed。　〃More　forceful　than　I'd　imagined。〃　

〃For　example〃　—　his　words　flowed　swiftly　now；　I　had　to　concentrate　to　
catch　it　all　—　〃the　emotion　of　jealousy。　I've　read　about　it　a　hundred　
thousand　times；　seen　actors　portray　it　in　a　thousand　different　plays　and　
movies。　I　believed　I　understood　that　one　pretty　clearly。　But　it　shocked　
me…〃　He　grimaced。　〃Do　you　remember　the　day　that　Mike　asked　you　to　the　
dance？〃　

I　nodded；　though　I　remembered　that　day　for　a　different　reason。　〃The　day　
you　started　talking　to　me　again。〃　

〃I　was　surprised　by　the　flare　of　resentment；　almost　fury；　that　I　felt　—　I　
didn't　recognize　what　it　was　at　first。　I　was　even　more　aggravated　than　
usual　that　I　couldn't　know　what　you　were　thinking；　why　you　refused　him。　
Was　it　simply　for　your　friend's　sake？　Was　there　someone　else？　I　knew　I　
had　no　right　to　care　either　way。　I　tried　not　to　care。　

〃And　then　the　line　started　forming；〃　he　chuckled。　I　scowled　in　the　
darkness。　

〃I　waited；　unreasonably　anxious　to　hear　what　you　would　say　to　them；　to　
watch　your　expressions。　I　couldn't　deny　the　relief　I　felt；　watching　the　
annoyance　on　your　face。　But　I　couldn't　be　sure。　

〃That　was　the　first　night　I　came　here。　I　wrestled　all　night；　while　
watching　you　sleep；　with　the　chasm　between　what　I　knew　was　right；　moral；　
ethical；　and　what　I　wanted。　I　knew　that　if　I　continued　to　ignore　you　as　I　
should；　or　if　I　left　for　a　few　years；　till　you　were　gone；　that　someday　
you　would　say　yes　to　Mike；　or　someone　like　him。　It　made　me　angry。　

〃And　then；〃　he　whispered；　〃as　you　were　sleeping；　you　said　my　name。　You　
spoke　so　clearly；　at　first　I　thought　you'd　woken。　But　you　rolled　over　
restlessly　and　mumbled　my　name　once　more；　and　sighed。　The　feeling　that　
coursed　through　me　then　was　unnerving；　staggering。　And　I　knew　I　couldn't　
ignore　you　any　longer。〃　He　was　silent　for　a　moment；　probably　listening　to　
the　suddenly　uneven　pounding　of　my　heart。　

〃But　jealousy…　it's　a　strange　thing。　So　much　more　powerful　than　I　would　
have　thought。　And　irrational！　Just　now；　when　Charlie　asked　you　about　that　
vile　Mike　Newton…〃　He　shook　his　head　angrily。　

〃I　should　have　known　you'd　be　listening；〃　I　groaned。　

〃Of　course。〃　

〃That　made　you　feel　jealous；　though；　really？〃　

〃I'm　new　at　this；　you're　resurrecting　the　human　in　me；　and　everything　

feels　stronger　because　it's　fresh。〃　

〃But　honestly；〃　I　teased；　〃for　that　to　bother　you；　after　I　have　to　hear　
that　Rosalie　—　Rosalie；　the　incarnation　of　pure　beauty；　Rosalie　—　was　
meant　for　you。　Emmett　or　no　Emmett；　how　can　I　pete　with　that？〃　

〃There's　no　petition。〃　His　teeth　gleamed。　He　drew　my　trapped　hands　
around　his　back；　holding　me　to　his　chest。　I　kept　as　still　as　I　could；　
even　breathing　with　caution。　

〃I　know　there's　no　petition；〃　I　mumbled　into　his　cold　skin。　〃That's　
the　problem。〃　

〃Of　course　Rosalie　is　beautiful　in　her　way；　but　even　if　she　wasn't　like　a　
sister　to　me；　even　if　Emmett　didn't　belong　with　her；　she　could　never　have　
one　tenth；　no；　one　hundredth　of　the　attraction　you　hold　for　me。〃　He　was　
serious　now；　thoughtful。　〃For　almost　niy　years　I've　walked　among　my　
kind；　and　yours…　all　the　time　thinking　I　was　plete　in　myself；　not　
realizing　what　I　was　seeking。　And　not　finding　anything；　because　you　
weren't　alive　yet。〃　

〃It　hardly　seems　fair；〃　I　whispered；　my　face　still　resting　on　his　chest；　
listening　to　his　breath　e　and　go。　〃I　haven't　had　to　wait　at　all。　Why　
should　I　get　off　so　easily？〃　

〃You're　right；〃　he　agreed　with　amusement。　〃I　should　make　this　harder　for　
you；　definitely。〃　He　freed　one　of　his　hands；　released　my　wrist；　only　to　
gather　it　carefully　into　his　other　hand。　He　stroked　my　wet　hair　softly；　
from　the　top　of　my　head　to　my　waist。　〃You　only　have　to　risk　your　life　
every　second　you　spend　with　me；　that's　surely　not　much。　You　only　have　to　
turn　your　back　on　nature；　on　humanity…　what's　that　worth？〃　

〃Very　little　—　I　don't　feel　deprived　of　anything。〃　

〃Not　yet。〃　And　his　voice　was　abruptly　full　of　ancient　grief。　

I　tried　to　pull　back；　to　look　in　his　face；　but　his　hand　locked　my　wrists　
in　an　unbreakable　hold。　

〃What　—〃　I　started　to　ask；　when　his　body　became　alert。　I　froze；　but　he　
suddenly　released　my　hands；　and　disappeared。　I　narrowly　avoided　falling　
on　my　face。　

〃Lie　down！〃　he　hissed。　I　couldn't　tell　where　he　spoke　from　in　the　
darkness。　

I　rolled　under　my　quilt；　balling　up　on　my　side；　the　way　I　usually　slept。　
I　heard　the　door　crack　open；　as　Charlie　peeked　in　to　make　sure　I　was　
where　I　was　supposed　to　be。　I　breathed　evenly；　exaggerating　the　movement。　

A　long　minute　passed。　I　listened；　not　sure　if　I'd　heard　the　door　close。　
Then　Edward's　cool　arm　was　around　me；　under　the　covers；　his　lips　at　my　
ear。　

〃You　are　a　terrible　actress　—　I'd　say　that　career　path　is　out　for　you。〃　

〃Darn　it；〃　I　muttered。　My　heart　was　crashing　in　my　chest。　

He　hummed　a　melody　I　didn't　recognize；　it　sounded　like　a　lullaby。　

He　paused。　〃Should　I　sing　you　to　sleep？〃　

〃Right；〃　I　laughed。　〃Like　I　could　sleep　with　you　here！〃　

〃You　do　it　all　the　time；〃　he　reminded　me。　

〃But　I　didn't　know　you　were　here；〃　I　replied　icily。　

〃So　if　you　don't　want　to　sleep…〃　he　suggested；　ignoring　my　tone。　My　
breath　caught。　

〃If　I　don't　want　to　sleep…　？〃　

He　chuckled。　〃What　do　you　want　to　do　then？〃　

I　couldn't　answer　at　first。　

〃I'm　not　sure；〃　I　finally　said。　

〃Tell　me　when　you　decide。〃　

I　could　feel　his　cool　breath　on　my　neck；　feel　his　nose　sliding　along　my　
jaw；　inhaling。　

〃I　thought　you　were　desensitized。〃　

〃Just　because　I'm　resisting　the　wine　doesn't　mean　I　can't　appreciate　the　
bouquet；〃　he　whispered。　〃You　have　a　very　floral　smell；　like　lavender…　or　
freesia；〃　he　noted。　〃It's　mouthwatering。〃　

〃Yeah；　it's　an　off　day　when　I　don't　get　somebody　telling　me　how　edible　I　
smell。〃　

He　chuckled；　and　then　sighed。　

〃I've　decided　what　I　want　to　do；〃　I　told　him。　〃I　want　to　hear　more　about　
you。〃　

〃Ask　me　anything。〃　

I　sifted　through　my　questions　for　the　most　vital。　〃Why　do　you　do　it？〃　I　
said。　〃I　still　don't　understand　how　you　can　work　so　hard　to　resist　what　
you…　are。　Please　don't　misunderstand；　of　course　I'm　glad　that　you　do。　I　
just　don't　see　why　you　would　bother　in　the　first　place。〃　

He　hesitated　before　answering。　〃That's　a　good　question；　and　you　are　not　
the　first　one　to　ask　it。　The　others　—　the　majority　of　our　kind　who　are　
quite　content　with　our　lot　—　they；　too；　wonder　at　how　we　live。　But　you　
see；　just　because　we've　been…　dealt　a　certain　hand…　it　doesn't　mean　that　
we　can't　choose　to　rise　above　—　to　conquer　the　boundaries　of　a　destiny　
that　none　of　us　wanted。　To　try　to　retain　whatever　essential　humanity　we　
can。〃　

I　lay　unmoving；　locked　in　awed　silence。　

〃Did　you　fall　asleep？〃　he　whispered　after　a　few　minutes。　

〃No。〃　

〃Is　that　all　you　were　curious　about？〃　

I　rolled　my　eyes。　〃Not