简爱(英文版)-第80部分
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d frantic effort of principle； I abhorred myself。 I had no solace from self… approbation： none even from self…respect。 I had injured—wounded— left my master。 I was hateful in my own eyes。 Still I could not turn； nor retrace one step。 God must have led me on。 As to my own will or conscience； impassioned grief had trampled one and stifled the other。 I was weeping wildly as I walked along my solitary way： fast； fast I went like one delirious。 A weakness； beginning inwardly； extending to the limbs； seized me； and I fell： I lay on the ground some minutes； pressing my face to the wet turf。 I had some fear—or hope—that here I should die： but I was soon up； crawling forwards on my hands and knees； and then again raised to my feet—as eager and as determined as ever to reach the road。
When I got there； I was forced to sit to rest me under the hedge； and while I sat； I heard wheels； and saw a coach e on。 I stood up and lifted my hand； it stopped。 I asked where it was going： the driver named a place a long way off； and where I was sure Mr。 Rochester had no connections。 I asked for what sum he would take me there； he said thirty shillings； I answered I had but twenty； well； he would try to make it do。 He further gave me leave to get into the inside； as the vehicle was empty： I entered； was shut in； and it rolled on its way。
Gentle reader； may you never feel what I then felt！ May your eyes never shed such stormy； scalding； heart…wrung tears as poured from mine。 May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonised as in that hour left my lips； for never may you； like me； dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love。
Chapter 28
Two days are passed。 It is a summer evening； the coachman has set me down at a place called Whitcross； he could take me no farther for the sum I had given； and I was not possessed of another shilling in the world。 The coach is a mile off by this time； I am alone。 At this moment I discover that I forgot to take my parcel out of the pocket of the coach； where I had placed it for safety； there it remains； there it must remain； and now； I am absolutely destitute。
Whitcross is no town； nor even a hamlet； it is but a stone pillar set up where four roads meet： whitewashed； I suppose； to be more obvious at a distance and in darkness。 Four arms spring from its summit： the nearest town to which these point is； according to the inscription； distant ten miles； the farthest； above twenty。 From the well…known names of these towns I learn in what county I have lighted； a north…midland shire； dusk with moorland； ridged with mountain： this I see。 There are great moors behind and on each hand of me； there are waves of mountains far beyond that deep valley at my feet。 The population here must be thin； and I see no passengers on these roads： they stretch out east； west； north； and south—white； broad； lonely； they are all cut in the moor； and the heather grows deep and wild to their very verge。 Yet a chance traveller might pass by； and I wish no eye to see me now： strangers would wonder what I am doing； lingering here at the sign…post； evidently objectless and lost。 I might be questioned： I could give no answer but what would sound incredible and excite suspicion。 Not a tie holds me to human society at this moment—not a charm or hope calls me where my fellow…creatures are—none that saw me would have a kind thought or a good wish for me。 I have no relative but the universal mother； Nature： I will seek her breast and ask repose。
I struck straight into the heath； I held on to a hollow I saw deeply furrowing the brown moorside； I waded knee…deep in its dark growth； I turned with its turnings； and finding a moss…blackened granite crag in a hidden angle； I sat down under it。 High banks of moor were about me； the crag protected my head： the sky was over that。
Some time passed before I felt tranquil even here： I had a vague dread that wild cattle might be near； or that some sportsman or poacher might discover me。 If a gust of wind swept the waste； I looked up； fearing it was the rush of a bull； if a plover whistled； I imagined it a man。 Finding my apprehensions unfounded； however； and calmed by the deep silence that reigned as evening declined at nightfall； I took confidence。 As yet I had not thought； I had only listened； watched； dreaded； now I regained the faculty of reflection。
What was I to do？ Where to go？ Oh； intolerable questions； when I could do nothing and go nowhere！—when a long way must yet be measured by my weary； trembling limbs before I could reach human habitation—when cold charity must be entreated before I could get a lodging： reluctant sympathy importuned； almost certain repulse incurred； before my tale could be listened to； or one of my wants relieved！
I touched the heath； it was dry； and yet warm with the beat of the summer day。 I looked at the sky； it was pure： a kindly star twinkled just above the chasm ridge。 The dew fell； but with propitious softness； no breeze whispered。 Nature seemed to me benign and good； I thought she loved me； outcast as I was； and I； who from man could anticipate only mistrust； rejection； insult； clung to her with filial fondness。 To…night； at least； I would be her guest； as I was her child： my mother would lodge me without money and without price。 I had one morsel of bread yet： the remnant of a roll I had bought in a town we passed through at noon with a stray penny—my last coin。 I saw ripe bilberries gleaming here and there； like jet beads in the heath： I gathered a handful and ate them with the bread。 My hunger； sharp before； was； if not satisfied； appeased by this hermit’s meal。 I said my evening prayers at its conclusion； and then chose my couch。
Beside the crag the heath was very deep： when I lay down my feet were buried in it； rising high on each side； it left only a narrow space for the night…air to invade。 I folded my shawl double； and spread it over me for a coverlet； a low； mossy swell was my pillow。 Thus lodged； I was not； at least—at the mencement of the night； cold。
My rest might have been blissful enough； only a sad heart broke it。 It plained of its gaping wounds； its inward bleeding； its riven chords。 It trembled for Mr。 Rochester and his doom； it bemoaned him with bitter pity； it demanded him with ceaseless longing； and； impotent as a bird with both wings broken； it still quivered its shattered pinions in vain attempts to seek him。
Worn out with this torture of thought； I rose to my knees。 Night was e； and her plas were risen： a safe； still night： too serene for the panionship of fear。 We know that God is everywhere； but certainly we feel His presence most when His works are on the grandest scale spread before us； and it is in the unclouded night…sky； where His worlds wheel their silent course； that we read clearest His infinitude； His omnipotence； His omnipresence。 I had risen to my knees to pray for Mr。 Rochester。 Looking up； I； with tear…dimmed eyes； saw the mighty Milky…way。 Remembering what it was—what countless systems there swept space like a soft trace of light—I felt the might and strength of God。 Sure was I of His efficiency to save what He had made： convinced I grew that neither earth should perish； nor one of the souls it treasured。 I turned my prayer to thanksgiving： the Source of Life was also the Saviour of spirits。 Mr。 Rochester was safe； he was God’s； and by God would he be guarded。 I again nestled to the breast of the hill； and ere long in sleep forgot sorrow。
But next day； Want came to me pale and bare。 Long after the little birds had left their nests； long after bees had e in the sweet prime of day to gather the heath honey before the dew was dried— when the long morning shadows were curtailed； and the sun filled earth and sky—I got up； and I looked round me。
What a still； hot； perfect day！ What a golden desert this spreading moor！ Everywhere sunshine。 I wished I could live in it and on it。 I saw a lizard run over the crag； I saw a bee busy among the sweet bilberries。 I would fain at the moment have bee bee or lizard； that I might have found fitting nutriment； permanent shelter here。 But I was a human being； and had a human being’s wants： I must not linger where there was nothing to supply them。 I rose； I looked back at the bed I had left。 Hopeless of the future； I wished but this—that my Maker had that night thought good to require my soul of me while I slept； and that this weary frame； absolved by death from further conflict with fate； had noingle in peace with the soil of this wilderness。 Life； however； was yet in my possession； ents； and pains； and responsibilities。 The burden must be carried； the want provided for； the suffering endured； the responsibility fulfilled。 I set out。
Whitcross regained； I followed a road which led from the sun； now fervent and high。 By no other circumstance had I will to decide my choice。 I walked a long time； and when I thought I had nearly done enough； and might conscientiously yield to the fatigue that almost overpowered me—might relax this forced action； and； sitting down on a stone I saw near； submit resistlessly to the apathy that clogged heart and limb—I heard a bell chime—a church bell。
I turned in the direction of the sound； and there； amongst the romantic hills； who
