time enough for love-时间足够你爱(英文版)-第138部分

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　And　you　do　love　Brian。　All　the　sweetly　intimate　things　you've　told　me　kept　saying　that。〃
　　
　　…　〃But　dob't　you　think　my　heart　is　big　enough　for　both　of　you？〃　…
　　
　　〃i'm　certain　it　is。　You　love　ten　people　that　I　know　of；　I'm　sure　you　can　squeeze　in　one　more。　But　I　love　you　and　do　not　want　~ou　to　do　anything　that　would　make　a　wall　between　you　and　your　husband；　Or　hurt　you　both　through　your　trying　to　tear　down　that　wall　by　confessing。　Beloved；　I　want　your　love　even　more　than　I　want　your　dear；　sweet　body。〃
　　
　　Again　she　was　silent　before　speaking：　〃Theodore；　I　must　tell　you　things　about　my　husband　and　me。　Private　things。〃
　　
　　〃You　shouldn't。〃
　　
　　〃I　should　and　I　must…and　I　shall。　But…　Please；　will　you　touch　me　while　I　talk？　Don't　say　anything；　just　touch　me　closely　and　intimately　and　nakedly　。　。　while　I　strip　myself　naked　with　words。　Please？〃
　　
　　Lazarus　put　his　free　hand　on　her　thigh。　She　pulled　up　her　skirts；　opened　her　thighs；　pushed　his　hand　more　firmly　to　her。
　　
　　Then　she　covered　his　hand　with　her　skirt；　and　spoke　in　an　even；　steady　voice：
　　
　　〃Theodore　beloved；　I　love　Brian　and　Brian　loves　me　and　he　knows　exactly　what　I　am。　I　could　keep　a　secret　forever　to　keep　from　hurting　him；　and　he　would　do　the　same　for　me。　I　must
　　
　　tell　you　what　he　said　to　me　before　he　went　away　to　Plattsburg
　　
　　…and　I　must　use　'bedroom　words；'　Theodore；　polite　words
　　
　　don't　have　the　force　it　must　have。…
　　
　　〃The　night　before　he　left　we　were　in　bed　and　had　jp~'~bad　each　other；　me　still　wrapped　around　him　like　a　~*Jb~'iron　and　him　still　deep　inside　me。　'Swivel　Hips；'　he　*~d~a　pet
　　
　　name　he　calls　me　in　bed…'I　didn't　sell　the　Reo　to　tie　you　dowii。　If　you　want　to　drive；　buy　a　Ford；　it's　easier　to　learn　on。'　I　told　him　I　didn't　want　to　drive；　I　would　wait　until　he　came　home。　He　answered；　'All　right；　Hot　Bottom'…and　that's　a　pet　name；　too；　and　Brian　means　it　most　lovingly…'All　right；　Hot
　　
　　549Bottom；　but　buy　one　if　…you　wish；…　you　may　need　a　car　while　I'm　gone。
　　
　　〃'But　a…car　is　a　minor　matter。　Your　father　will　be　here　and　that's　good…but　don't　let　him　boss　you。　He'll　try；　he　can't　help　it；　it's　his　nature。　But　you　are　as　strong…willed　as　he　is；　stand　up　to　him；　he'll　respect　you　for　it。
　　
　　〃'Now　to　more　important　matters；　Pretty　Tits'…and　I　like　that　name；　too；　Theodore；　even　though　they're　not　and　don't　stop　me　to　say　they　are…'Pretty　Tits；　I　may　not　have　gotten　you　pre？nant；　you　don't　usually　catch　again　this　soon。　If　not；　once　I'm　back　from　Plattsburg；　we'll　keep　on　trying'…and　we　did；　Theodore；　and　I　caught；　as　I　told　you。
　　
　　〃Brian　went　on；　'We　both　know　we're　going　to　~et　into　this　war　or　…I　wouldn't　be　going　to　Plattsburg。　It　may　last　a　long　time…that　〃million　men　springing　to　arms　overnight〃…　is　hogwash。　When　we　do；　I'll　be　gone　again；　and　you'll　be　lonely
　　
　　…and　we　both　know　what　a　firecracker　you　are。　I'm　not　telling　you　to　jump　the　fence　again'…I　said　again；'　Theodore！…'but　if　you　do；　I　expect　you　to　do　it　on　purpose；　eyes　open
　　
　　and　not…　to　regret　it　afterwards。　I　have　enormous　respect　for　your　taste　and　judgment；　I　know　you　won't　cause　a　scandal　or　upset　the　children。'〃
　　
　　She　paused；　then　went　on：　〃Brian　knows　me；　Theodore…I　really　am　a　firecraulcer；　and　I've　never　understood　why　some　women　don't　like　it。　My　own　mother…　Nine　children　and　she　told　me　on　my　wedding　day　that　it　was　something　women　…had　to　put　up　with　for　the　privilege　of　having　babies。〃　…
　　
　　Mrs。　Smith　snorted。　〃'Put　up　with！'　Theodore；　I　was　not…a　virgin　when　Brian　first　had　me。　Nor　had　I　let　him　think　so；　I　told　him　the　truth　the　day　I　met　him　。　。　and　two　minutes　after　he　took　my　bloomers　off　he　knew　it　through　having　me。
　　
　　…。。Theodore；　I　broke　my　maidenhead　three　years　before　I　met　Brian…on　purpose；　I've　never　been　a　flirt…and　told；　not　my　mother；　but　my　father；　because　I　trusted　him；　we've　always　been　close。　Father　didn't　scold　me；　didn't　even　tell　me　not　to　do　it　again。　He　said　he　knew　that　I　would　do　it　again　but　hoped　tbat　I　would　take　his　advice　and　let　him　keep　me　out　of　trouble…and　I　have　and　it　did。
　　
　　〃But　that　first　time；　when　I　came　to　him；　Scared　and　ready
　　
　　…　to　cry…it　had　hurt；　Theodore；　and　wasn't　the　thrill　I　had　expected…that　time　Father　just　sighed　and　locked　the　door　and　had　me　get　on　his　surgery　table　and　examined　me　and　assured　me　that　I　hadn't　been　damaged…and　I　felt　much　better！…　and　fold　me　that　I　was　as　healthy　a　woman　…as　be　had　ever
　　
　　examined　and　would　have　babies　with　no　tr~uble…and　that
　　
　　…　made　me　feel　smug…and　Father　was　right；　I　have　…babies　easily　and　don't　yell…or　not　much。　Not　the　way　Mother　used　to。
　　
　　〃After　that；　Father　examined　me　from　time　to　time。　Doctors　don't　ordinarily　treat　their　female　relatives；　not　for　female　things。　But　Father　was　the　only　doctor　I　dared　tell。　So　Father　helped　me　with　my　problems　and　got　me　all　over　any　shyness　about　being　looked　at　there　or　anywhere。　Not　that　I　was　ever　too　shy；　he　told　me　that　sort　of　modesty　was　dadratted　nonsense…when　Mother　was　telling　me…　the　exact　opposite。　I　believed　him；　didn't　believe　her。　…
　　
　　〃But　I　was　telling　you　what　Brian　said　to　me　in　bed　that　night。　Brian　added；　'I　want　you　to　promise　one　thing；　Pussycat。　If　you　find　that　you　haven't　kept　your　legs　crossed；　will　you　keep　it　to　yourself　until　this　war　is　over？　I　will　do　the　same　if　I　have　something　to　confess…and　I　might！　Let's　not　worry　each　other　more　than　we　have　to　until　the　Kaiser　is　taken　care　of。　Then　when　I　e　home；　I'll　take　you　to　the　Ozarks…leave　the　children　home　with　someone；　just　us　two…　and　you　won't　see　anything　but　the　ceiling　while　we　get　caught　up；　and　also　catch　up　on　anything　we　need　to　talk　about。　Is　it　a　bargain；　my　darling？
　　
　　〃I　promised；　Theodore。　I　didn't　promise　not　to　jump　the　fence；　he　wouldn't　let　me　promise　that。　I　promised　to　be　careful…and　to　save　any　confessing　until　the　war　was　won。　I　wanted　to　promise　that　much　because　。　。　he　。　。　might　not
　　
　　e　back！〃
　　
　　Her　voice　had　been　steady　up　to　the　last。　Then　it　broke；　and　he　realized　that　she　was　crying。　He　started　to　remove　his　hand　and　to　pull　over　to　the　side　of　the　road。　Mrs。　Smith　grabbed　his　hand；　pushed　it　more　firmly　back　between　her　thighs；　and　said；　〃No；　no；　do　touch　me　and　don't　stop　the　car！　Or　I　might　rape　you。　I　don't　know　why　it　makes　me　so　pas
　　
　　…　sonate　when　I　let　myself　remember　that　Brian　might　not　e　back　froj~i；　the　war。　But　…　it　does。　Fve　been　that　way　ever　since　the　day　we　declared　war。　。　and　always…　have　to　look　serene　and　calm　and　unworried。　For　the　children。　Fo？　Brian。　I　haven't　Jet　Brian　see　me　cry；　Theodore。　You　have　just…now…　I　suddenly　could　not　help　it。　But　I　would　rather　you　told。　Brian　that　I　tried　to　seduce　you　than　have　…you　tell　him　that。i　cried　through　fear　that　he　might　not　e　back！　…　…
　　
　　〃Mid　now　I'll　stop　it。〃　Mrs。　Smith　took　a　kerchief　from　her　purse；　wiped　her　eyes；　blew　her　nose。　〃Don't　take　me　home　yet；　the　children　must　not　see　me　with　my　eyes　red。〃　…~
　　
　　Lazarus　decided　to　break　cover。　〃I　love　you；　Maureen。〃
　　
　　〃I　love　you；　Theodore。　In　spite　of　my　tears；　you　have　made　me　happy。　By　letting　me　unburden　myself…and　I　should　not　have；　you　are　going　to　war；　too。　I　feel　almost　married　to　you　now；　by　telling　you　things　I　haven't　been　able　to　talk　about　with　anyone　else。　If　you　had　put　me　on　the　grass　and　had　me
　　
　　…it　would　have　been　sweet　and　just　what　I　planned。　But　this　is　even　closer。　And　sweeter。　A　woman　can　open　her　body　to　a　man　without　opening　her　mind。　I　had　two　babies　by　Brian
　　
　　第78节
　　
　　…　before　I　learned　to　open　my　mind　to　him　the　way　I　have　to　you　tonight。〃
　　
　　〃Perhaps　our　minds　are　much　alike；　Maureen。　Your　father　thinks　we　are　cousins。〃　…
　　
　　〃No；　he　doesn't；　darling；　he　thinks　you're　my　half　brother。〃
　　
　　〃Did　he　say　that？〃
　　
　　〃And　I　think　so；　too。　By　things　Father　did　not　say；　dea…r　Theodore。　By　how　broken　up　he　was　when　he　misunderstood　you　about　your　intention　to　enlist。　By　the　way　he　insisted　that　we　must　claim　a　service　star　for　you。　I　feel　sure　he　is　right
　　
　　and　I　want　to　believe　it。　Yes；　that　makes　what　I　tried　to　do　to　you　dreadfully　sinful　in　some　people's　eyes。　Incest。　I　did　not　care　a　whit。　Since　I'm　pregnant；　it　could　not　possibly　cause　harm　to　a　baby　。　。　and　that's　the　only　thing　that　could　make　incest　wrong。〃　…
　　
　　（How　to　tell　her？　How　much　to　tell　her？　But　I　must　make　her　believe　me。）　〃Your　church　would　call　it　sinful。〃
　　
　　〃I　don't　give　a　fig　for　the　church！　Theodore；　I'm　not　devout；　I'm　a　freethinker；　like　Father。　Church　is　a　good　atmosphere　for　children…and　gives　me　a　proper　appearance　as　a　respectable　wife　and　mother…that's　all！　'Sin'　would　not　stop　me；　I　don't　believe　in　sin　the　way　the　church　means　it。　Sex　isn't　sin；　sex　is　never　sin。　What　would　stop　me　would　be　a　chance　of　getting　pregnant　by　someone　other　than　Brian…but　I　am　pregnant。　That　you　are　my　half　brother　didn't　cause　…　me　a　woment's　fret；　it　just　made　me　more　anxious　to　tell　you　a　warrior's　good…bye。〃
　　
　　…　〃Maureen；　I'm　not　your　half　brother。〃
　　
　　〃Are　you　s