cambridge pieces-第7部分

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admired　and　praised　for　this。　　And　since　it　is　the　great　goddess
Talebearer　who　has　contributed　especially　to　our　success；　inasmuch
as　where　she　is　not　strife　will　cease　as　surely　as　the　fire　goeth
out　when　there　is　no　wood　to　feed　it；　we　will　erect　an　altar　to　her
and　perform　monthly　rites　at　her　shrine　in　a　manner　hereafter　to　be
detailed。　　And　all　men　shall　do　homage　to　her；　for　who　is　there　that
hath　not　felt　her　benefits？　　And　the　rites　shall　be　of　a　cheerful
character；　and　all　the　world　shall　be　right　merry；　and　we　will　write
her　a　hymn　and　Walmisley　｛4｝　shall　set　it　to　music。　　And　any　shall
be　eligible　to　this　society　by　only　changing　his　name；　for　this　is
one　of　its　happiest　hits；　to　give　a　name　to　each　of　its　members
arising　from　some　mental　peculiarity　（which　the　gods　and　peacemakers
call　〃foible〃）；　whereby　each　being　perpetually　kept　in　mind　of　this
defect　and　being　always　willing　to　justify　it　shall　raise　a　clamour
and　cause　much　delight　to　the　assembly。

And　we　will　have　suppers　once　a　month　both　to　do　honour　unto
Talebearer　and　to　promote　her　interest。　　And　the　society　has　laid
down　a　form　of　conversation　to　be　used　at　all　such　meetings；　which
shall　engender　quarrellings　even　in　the　most　unfavourable
dispositions；　and　inflame　the　anger　of　one　and　all；　and　having
raised　it　shall　set　it　going　and　start　it　on　so　firm　a　basis　as　that
it　may　be　left　safely　to　work　its　own　way；　for　there　shall　be　no
fear　of　its　dying　out。

And　the　great　key　to　this　admirable　treasure…house　is　Self；　who　hath
two　beautiful　children；　Self…Love　and　Self…Pride　。　。　。　We　have　also
aided　our　project　much　by　the　following　contrivance；　namely；　that
ten　of　the　society；　the　same　who　have　the　longest　tongues　and　ears；
shall　make　a　quorum　to　manage　all　affairs　connected　with　it；　and　it
is　difficult　to　comprehend　the　amount　of　quarrelling　that　shall　go
on　at　these　meetings。

And　the　monthly　suppers　shall　be　ordered　in　this　way：　　Each　man　must
take　at　least　two　tablespoonfuls　of　vinegar；　which　shall　make　the
wit　sharp；　or　in　default　thereof　one　teaspoonful　of　pepper　and
mustard；　for　the　rest　we　leave　the　diet　to　the　management　of　our
stewards　and　bursars；　but　after　the　cloth　has　been　removed　the
president　shall　single　out　some　one　of　the　company；　and　in　a　calm
and　friendly　manner　acquaint　him　with　his　faults　and　advise　him　in
what　way　he　may　best　amend　the　same。　　The　member　selected　is
compelled　by　the　rules　to　remain　silent　for　the　space　of　three
minutes；　and　is　then　to　retort　and　bring　up　six　instances。　　He　is　to
call　the　present　members　to　witness；　and　all　are　to　take　one　side　or
the　other；　so　that　none　be　neutral；　and　the　melee　will　doubtless
become　general；　and　we　expect　that　much　beautiful　latent　abusive
talent　will　be　developed　in　this　way。　　But　let　all　this　be　done　with
an　air　of　great　politeness；　sincerity；　and　goodwill；　at　least　at　the
commencement；　for　this；　when　evidently　fictitious；　is　a　two…edged
sword　of　irritation。

And　if　any　grow　weak　in　spirit　and　retreat　from　this　society；　and
afterwards　repent　and　wish　again　to　join；　he　shall　be　permitted　to
do　so　on　condition　of　repeating　the　words；　〃Oh；　ah！〃　　〃Lor！〃　　〃Such
is　life；〃　〃That's　cheerful；〃　〃He's　a　lively　man；　is　Mr。　So…and…so〃
ten　times　over。　　For　these　are　refreshing　and　beautiful　words　and
mean　much　（！）；　they　are　the　emblems　of　such　talent。

And　any　members　are　at　liberty　to　have　small　meetings　among
themselves；　especially　to　tea；　whereat　they　may　enjoy　the　ever　fresh
and　pleasant　luxury　of　scandal　and　mischief…making；　and　prepare
their　accusations　and　taunts　for　the　next　general　meeting；　and　this
is　not　only　permitted　but　enjoined　and　recommended　strongly　to　all
the　members。

And　sentences　shall　be　written　for　the　training　of　any　young　hand
who　wishes　to　become　one　of　us；　since　none　can　hope　to　arrive　at
once　at　the　pitch　of　perfection　to　which　the　society　has　brought　the
art。　　And　if　that　any　should　be　heard　of　his　own　free　will　and
invention　uttering　one　or　more　of　these　sentences　and　by　these　means
indicate　much　talent　in　the　required　direction；　he　shall　be　waited
on　by　a　committee　of　the　club　and　induced；　if　possible；　to　join　us；
for　he　will　be　an　acquisition；　and　the　sentences　required　are　such
as：　　〃I　think　so…and…so　a　very　jolly　fellow；　indeed　I　don't　know　a
man　in　the　college　I　like　better　than　so…and…so；　but　I　don't　care
twopence　about　him；　at　least　it　is　all　the　same　to　me　whether　he
cuts　me　or　not。〃

The　beauty　of　this　sentence　is　not　at　first　appreciable；　for　though
self…deceit　and　self…satisfaction　are　both　very　powerfully
demonstrated　in　it；　and　though　these　are　some　of　the　society's　most
vehement　supporters；　yet　it　is　the　good　goddess　Talebearer　who
nourisheth　the　seed　of　mischief　thus　sown。

It　is　also　strictly　forbidden　by　this　society's　laws　to　form　a　firm
friendship　grounded　upon　esteem　and　a　perception　of　great　and　good
qualities　in　the　object　of　one's　liking；　for　this　kind　of　friendship
lasts　a　long　timenay；　for　life；　but　each　member　must　have　a
furious　and　passionate　running　after　his　friend　for　the　time　being；
insomuch　that　he　could　never　part　for　an　instant　from　him。　　And　when
the　society　sees　this　it　feels　comfortable；　for　it　is　quite　certain
that　its　objects　are　being　promoted；　for　this　cannot　be　brought
about　by　any　but　unnatural　means　and　is　the　foundation　and　very　soul
of　quarrelling。　　The　stroking　of　the　hair　and　affectionate
embracings　are　much　recommended；　for　they　are　so　manly。

And　at　the　suppers　and　the　rites　of　Talebearer　each　member　is　to
drop　an　anonymous　opinion　of　some　other　member's　character　into　a
common　letter　box；　and　the　president　shall　read　them　out。　　Each
member　is　to　defend　himself；　the　formula　for　the　commencement　of
each　speech　being：　　〃I　know　who　wrote　that　about　me；　and　it　is　a
very　blackguardly　thing　of　him　to　say　。　。　。　〃

N。B。Any　number　of　persons　are　allowed　to　speak　at　the　same　time。
By　these　means　it　is　hoped　to　restore　strife　and　dissension　to　the
world；　now　alas！　so　fatally　subjugated　to　a　mean…spirited　thing
called　Charity；　which　during　the　last　month　has　been　perfectly
rampant　in　the　college。　　Yes；　we　will　give　a　helping　hand　to
bickerings；　petty　jealousies；　back…bitings；　and　all　sorts　of　good
things；　and　will　be　as　jolly　as　ninepence　andwho'll　be　the　first
president？



POWERS



But；　my　son；　think　not　that　it　is　necessary　for　thee　to　be　excellent
if　thou　wouldst　be　powerful。　　Observe　how　the　lighter　substance　in
nature　riseth　by　its　own　levity　and　overtoppeth　that　which　is　the
more　grave。　　Even　so；　my　son；　mayest　thou　be　light　and　worthless；
and　yet　make　a　goodly　show　above　those　who　are　of　a　more　intrinsic
value　than　thyself。　　But　as　much　circumspection　will　be　necessary
for　thee　to　attain　this　glorious　end；　and　as　by　reason　of　thy　youth
thou　art　liable　to　miss　many　of　the　most　able　and　effective　means　of
becoming　possessed　of　it；　hear　the　words　of　an　old　man　and　treasure
them　in　thy　heart。　　The　required　qualities；　my　son；　are　easily
procured；　many　are　naturally　gifted　with　them。　　In　order；　however；
that　thou　mayest　keep　them　in　set　form　in　thy　mind　commit　to　memory
the　following　list　of　requisites：　　Love　of　self；　love　of　show；　love
of　sound；　reserve；　openness；　distrust。

The　love　of　self；　which　shall　chiefly　manifest　itself　in　the
obtaining　the　best　of　all　things　for　thyself　to　the　exclusion　of
another；　be　he　who　he　may；　and　as　meal…times　are　the　fittest
occasion　for　the　exercise　of　this　necessary　quality；　I　will　even
illustrate　my　meaning　that　thou　mayest　the　more　plainly　comprehend
me。　　Suppose　that　many　are　congregated　to　a　breakfast　and　there　is　a
dish　of　kidneys　on　the　table；　but　not　so　many　but　what　the　greater
number　must　go　without　them；　cry　out　with　a　loud　voice；　immediately
that　thou　hast　perceived　them：　　〃Kidneys！　　Oh；　ah！　　I　say；　G。；　old
fellow；　give　us　some　kidneys。〃　　Then　will　the　master　of　the　house　be
pleased　that　he　hath　provided　something　to　thy　liking；　and　as　others
from　false　shame　will　fear　to　do　the　like　thou　wilt　both　obtain　that
thy　soul　desireth；　and　be　looked　upon　by　thy　fellows　as　a　bold
fellow　and　one　who　knoweth　how　to　make　his　way　in　the　world；　and　G。
will　say　immediately：　　〃Waiter；　take　this　to　Mr。　Potguts；〃　and　he
taketh　them；　and　so　on；　my　son；　with　all　other　meats　that　are　on　the
table；　see　thou　refrain　not　from　one　of　them；　for　a　large　appetite
well　becometh　a　power；　or　if　not　a　large　one　then　a　dainty　one。　　But
if　thine　appetite　be　small　and　dainty　see　thou　express　contempt　for
a　large　eater　as　one　inferior　to　thyself。　　Or　again；　my　son；　if　thou
art　not　at　a　banquet　but　enterest　any　room　where　there　are　many　met
together；　see　thou　take　the　arm…chair　or　the　best　seat　or　couch；　or
what　other　place　of　comfort　is　in　the　room；　and　if　there　be　another
power　in　the　room　as　well　as　thyself　see　thou　fight　with　him　for　it；
and　if　thou　canst　by　any　craft　get　rid　of　him　an　he　be　more　thickly
set　than　thyself；　see　that　thou　do　this　openly　and　with　a　noise；
that　all　men　may　behold　and　admire　thee；　for　they　will　fear　thee　and
yield　and　not　venture　to　reprove　thee　openly；　and　so　long　as　they
dare　not；　all　will　be　well。　　Nevertheless　I　would　have　thee