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The plural number and the accents mild;
The language of a parent to a child。
With plaintive voice the worthy man doth state;
We've not been very regular of late。
It should more carefully its chapels keep;
And not make noises to disturb our sleep
By having suppers and at early hours
Raising its lungs unto their utmost powers。
We'll put it; if it makes a noise again;
On gatesey patsems at the hour of ten;
And leafy peafy it will turn I'm sure;
And never vex its own dear Sharpey more。

II

SCENE。The Court of St。 John's College; Cambridge。  Enter the two
Deans on their way to morning chapel。

JUNIOR DEAN。  Brother; I am much pleased with Samuel Butler;
I have observed him mightily of late;
Methinks that in his melancholy walk
And air subdued whene'er he meeteth me
Lurks something more than in most other men。

SENIOR DEAN。  It is a good young man。  I do bethink me
That once I walked behind him in the cloister;
He saw me not; but whispered to his fellow:
〃Of all men who do dwell beneath the moon
I love and reverence most the senior Dean。〃

JUNIOR DEAN。  One thing is passing strange; and yet I know not
How to condemn it; but in one plain brief word
He never comes to Sunday morning chapel。
Methinks he teacheth in some Sunday…school;
Feeding the poor and starveling intellect
With wholesome knowledge; or on the Sabbath morn
He loves the country and the neighbouring spire
Of Madingley or Coton; or perchance
Amid some humble poor he spends the day;
Conversing with them; learning all their cares;
Comforting them and easing them in sickness。

SENIOR DEAN。  I will advance him to some public post;
He shall be chapel clerk; some day a Fellow;
Some day perhaps a Dean; but as thou say'st
He is indeed an excellent young man …

Enter BUTLER suddenly; without a coat or anything on his head;
rushing through the cloisters; bearing a cup; a bottle of cider;
four lemons; two nutmegs; half a pound of sugar and a nutmeg grater。

Curtain falls on the confusion of BUTLER and the horror…stricken
dismay of the two Deans。



THE BATTLE OF ALMA MATER



I

The Temperance commissioners
   In awful conclave sat;
Their noses into this to poke
To poke them into that …
In awful conclave sat they;
   And swore a solemn oath;
That snuff should make no Briton sneeze;
That smokers all to smoke should cease;
   They swore to conquer both。

II

Forth went a great Teetotaller;
   With pamphlet armed and pen;
He travelled east; he travelled west;
   Tobacco to condemn。
At length to Cantabrigia;
   To move her sons to shame;
Foredoomed to chaff and insult;
   That gallant hero came。

III

'Tis Friday:  to the Guildhall
   Come pouring in apace
The gownsmen and the townsmen
   Right thro' the market place …
They meet; these bitter foemen
   Not enemies but friends …
Then fearless to the rostrum;
   The Lecturer ascends。

IV

He cursed the martyr'd Raleigh;
   He cursed the mild cigar;
He traced to pipe and cabbage leaf
   Consumption and catarrh;
He railed at simple bird's…eye;
   By freshmen only tried;
And with rude and bitter jest assailed
   The yard of clay beside。

V

When suddenly full twenty pipes;
   And weeds full twenty more
Were seen to rise at signal;
   Where none were seen before。
No mouth but puffed out gaily
   A cloud of yellow fume;
And merrily the curls of smoke
   Went circling 'thro the room。

VI

In vain th' indignant mayor harangued;
   A mighty chandler he!
While peas his hoary head around
   They whistled pleasantly。
In vain he tenderly inquired;
   'Mid many a wild 〃hurrah!〃
〃Of this what father dear would think;
   Of that what dear mamma?〃

VII

In rushed a host of peelers;
   With a sergeant at the head;
Jaggard to every kitchen known;
   Of missuses the dread。
In rushed that warlike multitude;
   Like bees from out their hive;
With Fluffy of the squinting eye;
   And fighting No。 5。

VIII

Up sprang Inspector Fluffy;
   Up Sergeant Jaggard rose;
And playfully with staff he tapped
   A gownsman on the nose。
As falls a thundersmitten oak;
   The valiant Jaggard fell;
With a line above each ogle;
   And a 〃mouse〃 or two as well。

IX

But hark! the cry is 〃Smuffkins!
   And loud the gownsmen cheer;
And lo! a stalwart Johnian
   Comes jostling from the rear:
He eyed the flinching peelers;
   He aimed a deadly blow;
Then quick before his fist went down
   Inspector; Marshal; Peelers; Town;
While fiercer fought the joyful Gown;
   To see the claret flow。

X

They run; they run! to win the door
   The vanquished peelers flew;
They left the sergeant's hat behind;
   And the lecturer's surtout:
Now by our Lady Margaret;
   It was a goodly sight;
To see that routed multitude
   Swept down the tide of flight。

XI

Then hurrah! for gallant Smuffkins;
   For Cantabs one hurrah!
Like wolves in quest of prey they scent
   A peeler from afar。
Hurrah! for all who strove and bled
   For liberty and right;
What time within the Guildhall
   Was fought the glorious fight。



ON THE ITALIAN PRIESTHOOD



This an adaptation of the following epigram; which appeared in
Giuseppe Giusti's RACCOLTA DI PROVERBI TOSCANI (Firenze; 1853)


Con arte e con inganno si vive mezzo l'anno
Con inganno e con arte si vive l'altra parte。

In knavish art and gathering gear
They spend the one half of the year;
In gathering gear and knavish art
They somehow spend the other part。



SAMUEL BUTLER AND THE SIMEONITES



The following article; which originally appeared in the CAMBRIDGE
MAGAZINE; 1 March; 1913; is by Mr。 A。 T。 Bartholomew; of the
University Library; Cambridge; who has most kindly allowed me to
include it in the present volume。  Mr。 Bartholomew's discovery of
Samuel Butler's parody of the Simeonite tract throws a most
interesting light upon a curious passage in THE WAY OF ALL FLESH;
and it is a great pleasure to me to be able to give Butlerians the
story of Mr。 Bartholomew's 〃find〃 in his own words。


Readers of Samuel Butler's remarkable story The Way of All Flesh
will probably recall his description of the Simeonites (chap。
xlvii); who still flourished at Cambridge when Ernest Pontifex was
up at Emmanuel。  Ernest went down in 1858; so did Butler。
Throughout the book the spiritual and intellectual life and
development of Ernest are drawn from Butler's own experience。

〃The one phase of spiritual activity which had any life in it during
the time Ernest was at Cambridge was connected with the name of
Simeon。  There were still a good many Simeonites; or as they were
more briefly called 'Sims;' in Ernest's time。  Every college
contained some of them; but their head…quarters were at Caius;
whither they were attracted by Mr。 Clayton; who was at that time
senior tutor; and among the sizars of St。 John's。  Behind the then
chapel of this last…named college was a 'labyrinth' (this was the
name it bore) of dingy; tumble…down rooms;〃 and here dwelt many
Simeonites; 〃unprepossessing in feature; gait; and manners; unkempt
and ill…dressed beyond what can be easily described。  Destined most
of them for the Church; the Simeonites held themselves to have
received a very loud call to the ministry 。 。 。 They would be
instant in season and out of season in imparting spiritual
instruction to all whom they could persuade to listen to them。  But
the soil of the more prosperous undergraduates was not suitable for
the seed they tried to sow。  When they distributed tracts; dropping
them at night into good men's letter boxes while they were asleep;
their tracts got burnt; or met with even worse contumely。〃  For
Ernest Pontifex 〃they had a repellent attraction; he disliked them;
but he could not bring himself to leave them alone。  On one occasion
he had gone so far as to parody one of the tracts they had sent
round in the night; and to get a copy dropped into each of the
leading Simeonites' boxes。  The subject he had taken was 'Personal
Cleanliness。'〃

Some years ago I found among the Cambridge papers in the late Mr。 J。
W。 Clark's collection three printed pieces bearing on the subject。
The first is a genuine Simeonite tract; the other two are parodies。
All three are anonymous。  At the top of the second parody is written
〃By S。 Butler。  March 31。〃  It will be necessary to give a few
quotations from the Simeonite utterance in order to bring out the
full flavour of Butler's parody; which is given entire。  Butler went
up to St。 John's in October; 1854; so at the time of writing this
squib he was in his second term; and 18 years of age。

A。T。B。


I。Extracts from the sheet dated 〃St。 John's College; March 13th;
1855。〃  In a manuscript note this is stated to be by Ynyr Lamb; of
St。 John's (B。A。; 1862)。


1。  When a celebrated French king once showed the infidel
philosopher Hume into his carriage; the latter at once leaped in; on
which his majesty remarked:  〃That's the most accomplished man
living。〃

It is impossible to presume enough on Divine grace; this kind of
presumption is the characteristic of Heaven。 。 。

2。  Religion is not an obedience to external forms or observances;
but 〃a bold leap in the dark into the arms of an affectionate
Father。〃


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