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STORIES　BY　ENGLISH　AUTHORS：　LONDON



From　Scribners







CONTENTS



THE　INCONSIDERATE　WAITER；　J。　M。　Barrie

THE　BLACK　POODLE；　F。　Anstey

THAT　BRUTE　SIMMONS；　Arthur　Morrison

A　ROSE　OF　THE　GHETTO；　I。　Zangwill

AN　IDYL　OF　LONDON；　Beatrice　Harraden

THE　OMNIBUS；　〃Q〃　＇Quiller…Couch＇
THE　HIRED　BABY；　Marie　Correlli







THE　INCONSIDERATE　WAITER



BY



J。　M。　BARRIE







Frequently　I　have　to　ask　myself　in　the　street　for　the　name　of　the　man

I　bowed　to　just　now；　and　then；　before　I　can　answer；　the　wind　of　the

first　corner　blows　him　from　my　memory。　I　have　a　theory；　however；　that

those　puzzling　faces；　which　pass　before　I　can　see　who　cut　the　coat；

all　belong　to　club　waiters。



Until　William　forced　his　affairs　upon　me　that　was　all　I　did　know　of

the　private　life　of　waiters；　though　I　have　been　in　the　club　for　twenty

years。　I　was　even　unaware　whether　they　slept　downstairs　or　had　their

own　homes；　nor　had　I　the　interest　to　inquire　of　other　members；　nor

they　the　knowledge　to　inform　me。　I　hold　that　this　sort　of　people

should　be　fed　and　clothed　and　given　airing　and　wives　and　children；　and

I　subscribe　yearly；　I　believe　for　these　purposes；　but　to　come　into

closer　relation　with　waiters　is　bad　form；　they　are　club　fittings；　and

William　should　have　kept　his　distress　to　himself；　or　taken　it　away　and

patched　it　up　like　a　rent　in　one　of　the　chairs。　His　inconsiderateness

has　been　a　pair　of　spectacles　to　me　for　months。



It　is　not　correct　taste　to　know　the　name　of　a　club　waiter；　so　I　must

apologise　for　knowing　William's；　and　still　more　for　not　forgetting　it。

If；　again；　to　speak　of　a　waiter　is　bad　form；　to　speak　bitterly　is　the

comic　degree　of　it。　But　William　has　disappointed　me　sorely。　There　were

years　when　I　would　defer　dining　several　minutes　that　he　might　wait　on

me。　His　pains　to　reserve　the　window…seat　for　me　were　perfectly

satisfactory。　I　allowed　him　privileges；　as　to　suggest　dishes；　and

would　give　him　information；　as　that　some　one　had　startled　me　in　the

reading…room　by　slamming　a　door。　I　have　shown　him　how　I　cut　my　finger

with　a　piece　of　string。　Obviously　he　was　gratified　by　these

attentions；　usually　recommending　a　liqueur；　and　I　fancy　he　must　have

understood　my　sufferings；　for　he　often　looked　ill　himself。　Probably　he

was　rheumatic；　but　I　cannot　say　for　certain；　as　I　never　thought　of

asking；　and　he　had　the　sense　to　see　that　the　knowledge　would　be

offensive　to　me。



In　the　smoking…room　we　have　a　waiter　so　independent　that　once；　when　he

brought　me　a　yellow　chartreuse；　and　I　said　I　had　ordered　green；　he

replied；　〃No；　sir；　you　said　yellow。〃　William　could　never　have　been

guilty　of　such　effrontery。　In　appearance；　of　course；　he　is　mean；　but　I

can　no　more　describe　him　than　a　milkmaid　could　draw　cows。　I　suppose　we

distinguish　one　waiter　from　another　much　as　we　pick　our　hat　from　the

rack。　We　could　have　plotted　a　murder　safely　before　William。　He　never

presumed　to　have　any　opinions　of　his　own。　When　such　was　my　mood　he

remained　silent；　and　if　I　announced　that　something　diverting　had

happened　to　me　he　laughed　before　I　told　him　what　it　was。　He　turned　the

twinkle　in　his　eye　off　or　on　at　my　bidding　as　readily　as　if　it　was　the

gas。　To　my　〃Sure　to　be　wet　to…morrow；〃　he　would　reply；　〃Yes；　sir；〃　and

to　Trelawney's　〃It　doesn't　look　like　rain；〃　two　minutes　afterward；　he

would　reply；　〃No；　sir。〃　It　was　one　member　who　said　Lightning　Rod　would

win　the　Derby　and　another　who　said　Lightning　Rod　had　no　chance；　but　it

was　William　who　agreed　with　both。　He　was　like　a　cheroot；　which　may　be

smoked　from　either　end。　So　used　was　I　to　him　that；　had　he　died　or　got

another　situation　（or　whatever　it　is　such　persons　do　when　they

disappear　from　the　club）；　I　should　probably　have　told　the　head　waiter

to　bring　him　back；　as　I　disliked　changes。



It　would　not　become　me　to　know　precisely　when　I　began　to　think　William

an　ingrate；　but　I　date　his　lapse　from　the　evening　when　he　brought　me

oysters。　I　detest　oysters；　and　no　one　knew　it　better　than　William。　He

has　agreed　with　me　that　he　could　not　understand　any　gentleman's　liking

them。　Between　me　and　a　certain　member　who　smacks　his　lips　twelve　times

to　a　dozen　of　them　William　knew　I　liked　a　screen　to　be　placed　until　we

had　reached　the　soup；　and　yet　he　gave　me　the　oysters　and　the　other　man

my　sardine。　Both　the　other　member　and　I　quickly　called　for　brandy　and

the　head　waiter。　To　do　William　justice；　he　shook；　but　never　can　I

forget　his　audacious　explanation：　〃Beg　pardon；　sir；　but　I　was　thinking

of　something　else。〃



In　these　words　William　had　flung　off　the　mask；　and　now　I　knew　him　for

what　he　was。



I　must　not　be　accused　of　bad　form　for　looking　at　William　on　the

following　evening。　What　prompted　me　to　do　so　was　not　personal　interest

in　him；　but　a　desire　to　see　whether　I　dare　let　him　wait　on　me　again。

So；　recalling　that　a　caster　was　off　a　chair　yesterday；　one　is　entitled

to　make　sure　that　it　is　on　to…day　before　sitting　down。　If　the

expression　is　not　too　strong；　I　may　say　that　I　was　taken　aback　by

William's　manner。　Even　when　crossing　the　room　to　take　my　orders　he　let

his　one　hand　play　nervously　with　the　other。　I　had　to　repeat　〃Sardine

on　toast〃　twice；　and　instead　of　answering　〃Yes；　sir；〃　as　if　my

selection　of　sardine　on　toast　was　a　personal　gratification　to　him；

which　is　the　manner　one　expects　of　a　waiter；　he　glanced　at　the　clock；

then　out　at　the　window；　and；　starting；　asked；　〃Did　you　say　sardine　on

toast；　sir？〃



It　was　the　height　of　summer；　when　London　smells　like　a　chemist's　shop；

and　he　who　has　the　dinner…table　at　the　window　needs　no　candles　to　show

him　his　knife　and　fork。　I　lay　back　at　intervals；　now　watching　a

starved…looking　woman　sleep　on　a　door…step；　and　again　complaining　of

the　club　bananas。　By…and…by　I　saw　a　girl　of　the　commonest　kind；　ill…

clad　and　dirty；　as　all　these　Arabs　are。　Their　parents　should　be

compelled　to　feed　and　clothe　them　comfortably；　or　at　least　to　keep

them　indoors；　where　they　cannot　offend　our　eyes。　Such　children　are　for

pushing　aside　with　one's　umbrella；　but　this　girl　I　noticed　because　she

was　gazing　at　the　club　windows。　She　had　stood　thus　for　perhaps　ten

minutes　when　I　became　aware　that　some　one　was　leaning　over　me　to　look

out　at　the　window。　I　turned　round。　Conceive　my　indignation　on　seeing

that　the　rude　person　was　William。



〃How　dare　you；　William？〃　I　said；　sternly。　He　seemed　not　to　hear　me。

Let　me　tell；　in　the　measured　words　of　one　describing　a　past　incident；

what　then　took　place。　To　get　nearer　the　window　he　pressed　heavily　on

my　shoulder。



〃William；　you　forget　yourself！〃　I　said；　meaningas　I　see　nowthat　he

had　forgotten　me。



I　heard　him　gulp；　but　not　to　my　reprimand。　He　was　scanning　the　street。

His　hands　chattered　on　my　shoulder；　and；　pushing　him　from　me；　I　saw

that　his　mouth　was　agape。



〃What　are　you　looking　for？〃　I　asked。



He　stared　at　me；　and　then；　like　one　who　had　at　last　heard　the　echo　of

my　question；　seemed　to　be　brought　back　to　the　club。　He　turned　his　face

from　me　for　an　instant；　and　answered　shakily：



〃I　beg　your　pardon；　sir！　II　shouldn't　have　done　it。　Are　the　bananas

too　ripe；　sir？〃



He　recommended　the　nuts；　and　awaited　my　verdict　so　anxiously　while　I

ate　one　that　I　was　about　to　speak　graciously；　when　I　again　saw　his

eyes　drag　him　to　the　window。



〃William；〃　I　said；　my　patience　giving　way　at　last；　〃I　dislike　being

waited　on　by　a　melancholy　waiter。〃



〃Yes；　sir；〃　he　replied；　trying　to　smile；　and　then　broke　out

passionately；　〃For　God's　sake；　sir；　tell　me；　have　you　seen　a　little

girl　booking　in　at　the　club　windows？〃



He　had　been　a　good　waiter　once；　and　his　distracted　visage　was　spoiling

my　dinner。



〃There；〃　I　said；　pointing　to　the　girl；　and　no　doubt　would　have　added

that　he　must　bring　me　coffee　immediately；　had　he　continued　to　listen。

But　already　he　was　beckoning　to　the　child。　I　have　not　the　least

interest　in　her　（indeed；　it　had　never　struck　me　that　waiters　had

private　affairs；　and　I　still　think　it　a　pity　that　they　should　have）；

but　as　I　happened　to　be　looking　out　at　the　window　I　could　not　avoid

seeing　what　occurred。　As　soon　as　the　girl　saw　William　she　ran　into　the

street；　regardless　of　vehicles；　and　nodded　three　times　to　him。　Then

she　disappeared。



I　have　said　that　she　was　quite　a　common　child；　without　attraction　of

any　sort；　and　yet　it　was　amazing　the　difference　she　made　in　William。

He　gasped　relief；　like　one　who　had　broken　through　the　anxiety　that

checks　breathing；　and　into　his　face　there　came　a　silly　laugh　of

happiness。　I　had　dined　well；　on　the　whole；　so　I　said：



〃I　am　glad　to　see　you　cheerful　again；　William。〃



I　meant　that　I　approved　his　cheerfulness　because　it　helped　my

digestion；　but　he　must　needs　think　I　was　sympathising　with　him。



〃Thank　you；　sir；〃　he　answered。　〃Oh；　sir！　when　she　nodded　and　I　saw　it

was　all　right　I　could　have　gone　down　on　my　knees　to　God。〃



I　was　as　much　horrified　as　if　he　had　dropped　a　plate　on　my