the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第8部分
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One of them once remarked that he objected to the principle of the thing。 I
fancy if he had said it was the interest that he objected to he would have
been nearer the truth： twenty…five per cent。 certainly does come heavy。
There are degrees in being hard up。 We are all hard up； more or less
most of us more。 Some are hard up for a thousand pounds； some for a
shilling。 Just at this moment I am hard up myself for a fiver。 I only want it
for a day or two。 I should be certain of paying it back within a week at the
outside； and if any lady or gentleman among my readers would kindly
lend it me； I should be very much obliged indeed。 They could send it to
me under cover to Messrs。 Field & Tuer； only； in such case； please let the
envelope be carefully sealed。 I would give you my I。O。U。 as security。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON VANITY AND VANITIES。
All is vanity and everybody's vain。 Women are terribly vain。 So are
menmore so； if possible。 So are children； particularly children。 One of
them at this very moment is hammering upon my legs。 She wants to know
what I think of her new shoes。 Candidly I don't think much of them。 They
lack symmetry and curve and possess an indescribable appearance of
lumpiness （I believe； too； they've put them on the wrong feet）。 But I don't
say this。 It is not criticism； but flattery that she wants； and I gush over
them with what I feel to myself to be degrading effusiveness。 Nothing else
would satisfy this self…opinionated cherub。 I tried the conscientious…friend
dodge with her on one occasion； but it was not a success。 She had
requested my judgment upon her general conduct and behavior； the exact
case submitted being； 〃Wot oo tink of me？ Oo peased wi' me？〃 and I had
thought it a good opportunity to make a few salutary remarks upon her late
moral career； and said： 〃No； I am not pleased with you。〃 I recalled to her
mind the events of that very morning； and I put it to her how she； as a
Christian child； could expect a wise and good uncle to be satisfied with the
carryings on of an infant who that very day had roused the whole house at
five AM。； had upset a water…jug and tumbled downstairs after it at seven；
had endeavored to put the cat in the bath at eight； and sat on her own
father's hat at nine thirty…five。
What did she do？ Was she grateful to me for my plain speaking？ Did
she ponder upon my words and determine to profit by them and to lead
from that hour a better and nobler life？
No！ she howled。
That done； she became abusive。 She said：
〃Oo naughtyoo naughty； bad unkieoo bad manme tell MAR。〃
And she did； too。
Since then； when my views have been called for I have kept my real
sentiments more to myself like； preferring to express unbounded
admiration of this young person's actions； irrespective of their actual
merits。 And she nods her head approvingly and trots off to advertise my
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
opinion to the rest of the household。 She appears to employ it as a sort of
testimonial for mercenary purposes； for I subsequently hear distant sounds
of 〃Unkie says me dood dirlme dot to have two bikkies ＇biscuits＇。〃
There she goes； now； gazing rapturously at her own toes and
murmuring 〃pittie〃two…foot…ten of conceit and vanity； to say nothing of
other wickednesses。
They are all alike。 I remember sitting in a garden one sunny afternoon
in the suburbs of London。 Suddenly I heard a shrill treble voice calling
from a top…story window to some unseen being； presumably in one of the
other gardens； 〃Gamma； me dood boy； me wery good boy； gamma； me dot
on Bob's knickiebockies。〃
Why； even animals are vain。 I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other
day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus；
and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have
never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting。
I was at a farm…house once when some high holiday was being
celebrated。 I don't remember what the occasion was； but it was something
festive； a May Day or Quarter Day； or something of that sort； and they put
a garland of flowers round the head of one of the cows。 Well； that absurd
quadruped went about all day as perky as a schoolgirl in a new frock； and
when they took the wreath off she became quite sulky； and they had to put
it on again before she would stand still to be milked。 This is not a Percy
anecdote。 It is plain； sober truth。
As for cats； they nearly equal human beings for vanity。 I have known a
cat get up and walk out of the room on a remark derogatory to her species
being made by a visitor； while a neatly turned compliment will set them
purring for an hour。
I do like cats。 They are so unconsciously amusing。 There is such a
comic dignity about them； such a 〃How dare you！〃 〃Go away； don't touch
me〃 sort of air。 Now； there is nothing haughty about a dog。 They are 〃Hail；
fellow； well met〃 with every Tom； Dick； or Harry that they come across。
When I meet a dog of my acquaintance I slap his head； call him
opprobrious epithets； and roll him over on his back； and there he lies；
gaping at me； and doesn't mind it a bit。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
Fancy carrying on like that with a cat！ Why； she would never speak to
you again as long as you lived。 No； when you want to win the approbation
of a cat you must mind what you are about and work your way carefully。 If
you don't know the cat； you had best begin by saying； 〃Poor pussy。〃 After
which add 〃did 'ums〃 in a tone of soothing sympathy。 You don't know
what you mean any more than the cat does； but the sentiment seems to
imply a proper spirit on your part； and generally touches her feelings to
such an extent that if you are of good manners and passable appearance
she will stick her back up and rub her nose against you。 Matters having
reached this stage； you may venture to chuck her under the chin and tickle
the side of her head； and the intelligent creature will then stick her claws
into your legs； and all is friendship and affection； as so sweetly expressed
in the beautiful lines
〃I love little pussy； her coat is so warm； And if I don't tease her she'll
do me no harm； So I'll stroke her； and pat her； and feed her with food； And
pussy will love me because I am good。〃 The last two lines of the stanza
give us a pretty true insight into pussy's notions of human goodness。 it is
evident that in her opinion goodness consists of stroking her； and patting
her； and feeding her with food。 I fear this narrow…minded view of virtue；
though； is not confined to pussies。 We are all inclined to adopt a similar
standard of merit in our estimate of other people。 A good man is a man
who is good to us； and a bad man is a man who doesn't do what we want
him to。 The truth is； we each of us have an inborn conviction that the
whole world； with everybody and everything in it； was created as a sort of
necessary appendage to ourselves。 Our fellow men and women were made
to admire us and to minister to our various requirements。 You and I； dear
reader； are each the center of the universe in our respective opinions。 You；
as I understand it； were brought into being by a considerate Providence in
order that you might read and pay me for what I write； while I； in your
opinion； am an article sent into the world to write something for you to
read。 The starsas we term the myriad other worlds that are rushing down
beside us through the eternal silencewere put into the heavens to make
the sky look interesting for us at night； and the moon with its dark
mysteries and ever…hidden face is an arrangement for us to flirt under。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
I fear we are most of us like Mrs。 Poyser's bantam cock； who fancied
the sun got up every morning to hear him crow。 〃'Tis vanity that makes the
world go roun
