the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第19部分
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〃Just watch his legs；〃 says one。
〃Do you notice how he is sitting？〃 adds another： 〃right on the edge of
the chair。〃
〃Seems to have plenty of color；〃 sneers a military…looking gentleman。
〃Pity he's got so many hands；〃 murmurs an elderly lady； with her own
calmly folded on her lap。 〃They quite confuse him。〃
〃A yard or two off his feet wouldn't be a disadvantage；〃 chimes in the
comic man； 〃especially as he seems so anxious to hide them。〃
And then another suggests that with such a voice he ought to have
been a sea…captain。 Some draw attention to the desperate way in which he
is grasping his hat。 Some comment upon his limited powers of
conversation。 Others remark upon the troublesome nature of his cough。
And so on； until his peculiarities and the company are both thoroughly
exhausted。
His friends and relations make matters still more unpleasant for the
poor boy （friends and relations are privileged to be more disagreeable than
other people）。 Not content with making fun of him among themselves；
they insist on his seeing the joke。 They mimic and caricature him for his
own edification。 One； pretending to imitate him； goes outside and comes
in again in a ludicrously nervous manner； explaining to him afterward that
that is the way hemeaning the shy fellowwalks into a room； or； turning
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
to him with 〃This is the way you shake hands；〃 proceeds to go through a
comic pantomime with the rest of the room； taking hold of every one's
hand as if it were a hot plate and flabbily dropping it again。 And then they
ask him why he blushes； and why he stammers； and why he always speaks
in an almost inaudible tone； as if they thought he did it on purpose。 Then
one of them； sticking out his chest and strutting about the room like a
pouter…pigeon； suggests quite seriously that that is the style he should
adopt。 The old man slaps him on the back and says： 〃Be bold； my boy。
Don't be afraid of any one。〃 The mother says； 〃Never do anything that you
need be ashamed of； Algernon； and then you never need be ashamed of
anything you do；〃 and； beaming mildly at him； seems surprised at the
clearness of her own logic。 The boys tell him that he's 〃worse than a girl；〃
and the girls repudiate the implied slur upon their sex by indignantly
exclaiming that they are sure no girl would be half as bad。
They are quite right； no girl would be。 There is no such thing as a shy
woman； or； at all events； I have never come across one； and until I do I
shall not believe in them。 I know that the generally accepted belief is quite
the reverse。 All women are supposed to be like timid； startled fawns；
blushing and casting down their gentle eyes when looked at and running
away when spoken to； while we man are supposed to be a bold and
rollicky lot； and the poor dear little women admire us for it； but are terribly
afraid of us。 It is a pretty theory； but； like most generally accepted theories；
mere nonsense。 The girl of twelve is self…contained and as cool as the
proverbial cucumber； while her brother of twenty stammers and stutters by
her side。 A woman will enter a concert…room late； interrupt the
performance； and disturb the whole audience without moving a hair； while
her husband follows her； a crushed heap of apologizing misery。
The superior nerve of women in all matters connected with love； from
the casting of the first sheep's…eye down to the end of the honeymoon； is
too well acknowledged to need comment。 Nor is the example a fair one to
cite in the present instance； the positions not being equally balanced。 Love
is woman's business； and in 〃business〃 we all lay aside our natural
weaknessesthe shyest man I ever knew was a photographic tout。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON BABIES。
Oh； yes； I doI know a lot about 'em。 I was one myself once； though
not longnot so long as my clothes。 They were very long； I recollect； and
always in my way when I wanted to kick。 Why do babies have such yards
of unnecessary clothing？ It is not a riddle。 I really want to know。 I never
could understand it。 Is it that the parents are ashamed of the size of the
child and wish to make believe that it is longer than it actually is？ I asked
a nurse once why it was。 She said：
〃Lor'； sir； they always have long clothes； bless their little hearts。〃
And when I explained that her answer； although doing credit to her
feelings； hardly disposed of my difficulty； she replied：
〃Lor'； sir； you wouldn't have 'em in short clothes； poor little dears？〃
And she said it in a tone that seemed to imply I had suggested some
unmanly outrage。
Since than I have felt shy at making inquiries on the subject； and the
reasonif reason there beis still a mystery to me。 But indeed； putting
them in any clothes at all seems absurd to my mind。 Goodness knows
there is enough of dressing and undressing to be gone through in life
without beginning it before we need； and one would think that people who
live in bed might at all events be spared the torture。 Why wake the poor
little wretches up in the morning to take one lot of clothes off； fix another
lot on； and put them to bed again； and then at night haul them out once
more； merely to change everything back？ And when all is done； what
difference is there； I should like to know； between a baby's night…shirt and
the thing it wears in the day…time？
Very likely； however； I am only making myself ridiculousI often do；
so I am informedand I will therefore say no more upon this matter of
clothes； except only that it would be of great convenience if some fashion
were adopted enabling you to tell a boy from a girl。
At present it is most awkward。 Neither hair； dress； nor conversation
affords the slightest clew； and you are left to guess。 By some mysterious
law of nature you invariably guess wrong； and are thereupon regarded by
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
all the relatives and friends as a mixture of fool and knave； the enormity of
alluding to a male babe as 〃she〃 being only equaled by the atrocity of
referring to a female infant as 〃he〃。 Whichever sex the particular child in
question happens not to belong to is considered as beneath contempt； and
any mention of it is taken as a personal insult to the family。
And as you value your fair name do not attempt to get out of the
difficulty by talking of 〃it。〃
There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and
shame。 By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and
afterward depositing their bodies in the water companies' reservoir； you
will gain much unpopularity in the neighborhood of your crime； and even
robbing a church will get you cordially disliked； especially by the vicar。
But if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred
that a fellow human creature can pour out for you； let a young mother hear
you call dear baby 〃it。〃
Your best plan is to address the article as 〃little angel。〃 The noun
〃angel〃 being of common gender suits the case admirably； and the epithet
is sure of being favorably received。 〃Pet〃 or 〃beauty〃 are useful for
variety's sake； but 〃angel〃 is the term that brings you the greatest credit for
sense and good…feeling。 The word should be preceded by a short giggle
and accompanied by as much smile as possible。 And whatever you do；
don't forget to say that the child has got its father's nose。 This 〃fetches〃 the
parents （if I may be allowed a vulgarism） more than anything。 They will
pretend to laugh at the idea at first and will say； 〃Oh； nonsense！〃 You must
then get excited and insist that it is a fact。 You need have no conscientious
scruples on the subje
