novel notes-第16部分

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By　this　time　the　whole　glade　would　be　awake；　expressing　views　concerning　that　corncrake　that　would　have　wounded　a　less　callous　nature。

〃Blow　me　tight；　Bill；〃　some　vulgar　little　hedge…sparrow　would　chirp　out；　in　the　midst　of　the　hubbub；　〃if　I　don't　believe　the　gent　thinks　'e's　a…singing。〃

〃'Tain't　'is　fault；〃　Bill　would　reply；　with　mock　sympathy。　〃Somebody's　put　a　penny　in　the　slot；　and　'e　can't　stop　'isself。〃

Irritated　by　the　laugh　that　this　would　call　forth　from　the　younger　birds；　the　corncrake　would　exert　himself　to　be　more　objectionable　than　ever；　and；　as　a　means　to　this　end；　would　commence　giving　his　marvellous　imitation　of　the　sharpening　of　a　rusty　saw　by　a　steel　file。

But　at　this　an　old　crow；　not　to　be　trifled　with；　would　cry　out　angrily：…

〃Stop　that；　now。　　If　I　come　down　to　you　I'll　peck　your　cranky　head　off；　I　will。〃

And　then　would　follow　silence　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour；　after　which　the　whole　thing　would　begin　again。



CHAPTER　V



Brown　and　MacShaughnassy　came　down　together　on　the　Saturday　afternoon；　and；　as　soon　as　they　had　dried　themselves；　and　had　had　some　tea；　we　settled　down　to　work。

Jephson　had　written　that　he　would　not　be　able　to　be　with　us　until　late　in　the　evening；　and　Brown　proposed　that　we　should　occupy　ourselves　until　his　arrival　with　plots。

〃Let　each　of　us；〃　said　he；　〃sketch　out　a　plot。　　Afterwards　we　can　compare　them；　and　select　the　best。〃

This　we　proceeded　to　do。　　The　plots　themselves　I　forget；　but　I　remember　that　at　the　subsequent　judging　each　man　selected　his　own；　and　became　so　indignant　at　the　bitter　criticism　to　which　it　was　subjected　by　the　other　two；　that　he　tore　it　up；　and；　for　the　next　half…hour；　we　sat　and　smoked　in　silence。

When　I　was　very　young　I　yearned　to　know　other　people's　opinion　of　me　and　all　my　works；　now；　my　chief　aim　is　to　avoid　hearing　it。　　In　those　days；　had　any　one　told　me　there　was　half　a　line　about　myself　in　a　newspaper；　I　should　have　tramped　London　to　obtain　that　publication。　　Now；　when　I　see　a　column　headed　with　my　name；　I　hurriedly　fold　up　the　paper　and　put　it　away　from　me；　subduing　my　natural　curiosity　to　read　it　by　saying　to　myself；　〃Why　should　you？　It　will　only　upset　you　for　the　day。〃

In　my　cubhood　I　possessed　a　friend。　　Other　friends　have　come　into　my　life　sincevery　dear　and　precious　friendsbut　they　have　none　of　them　been　to　me　quite　what　this　friend　was。　　Because　he　was　my　first　friend；　and　we　lived　together　in　a　world　that　was　much　bigger　than　this　worldmore　full　of　joy　and　of　grief；　and；　in　that　world；　we　loved　and　hated　deeper　than　we　love　and　hate　in　this　smaller　world　that　I　have　come　to　dwell　in　since。

He　also　had　the　very　young　man's　craving　to　be　criticised；　and　we　made　it　our　custom　to　oblige　each　other。　　We　did　not　know　then　that　what　we　meant；　when　we　asked　for　〃criticism；〃　was　encouragement。　　We　thought　that　we　were　strongone　does　at　the　beginning　of　the　battle；　and　that　we　could　bear　to　hear　the　truth。

Accordingly；　each　one　pointed　out　to　the　other　one　his　errors；　and　this　task　kept　us　both　so　busy　that　we　had　never　time　to　say　a　word　of　praise　to　one　another。　　That　we　each　had　a　high　opinion　of　the　other's　talents　I　am　convinced；　but　our　heads　were　full　of　silly　saws。　　We　said　to　ourselves：　　〃There　are　many　who　will　praise　a　man；　it　is　only　his　friend　who　will　tell　him　of　his　faults。〃　　Also；　we　said：　　〃No　man　sees　his　own　shortcomings；　but　when　these　are　pointed　out　to　him　by　another　he　is　grateful；　and　proceeds　to　mend　them。〃

As　we　came　to　know　the　world　better；　we　learnt　the　fallacy　of　these　ideas。　　But　then　it　was　too　late；　for　the　mischief　had　been　done。

When　one　of　us　had　written　anything；　he　would　read　it　to　the　other；　and　when　he　had　finished　he　would　say；　〃Now；　tell　me　what　you　think　of　itfrankly　and　as　a　friend。〃

Those　were　his　words。　　But　his　thoughts；　though　he　may　not　have　known　them；　were：…

〃Tell　me　it　is　clever　and　good；　my　friend；　even　if　you　do　not　think　so。　　The　world　is　very　cruel　to　those　that　have　not　yet　conquered　it；　and；　though　we　keep　a　careless　face；　our　young　hearts　are　scored　with　wrinkles。　　Often　we　grow　weary　and　faint…hearted。　　Is　it　not　so；　my　friend？　　No　one　has　faith　in　us；　and　in　our　dark　hours　we　doubt　ourselves。　　You　are　my　comrade。　　You　know　what　of　myself　I　have　put　into　this　thing　that　to　others　will　be　but　an　idle　half…　hour's　reading。　　Tell　me　it　is　good；　my　friend。　　Put　a　little　heart　into　me；　I　pray　you。〃

But　the　other；　full　of　the　lust　of　criticism；　which　is　civilisation's　substitute　for　cruelty；　would　answer　more　in　frankness　than　in　friendship。　　Then　he　who　had　written　would　flush　angrily；　and　scornful　words　would　pass。

One　evening；　he　read　me　a　play　he　had　written。　　There　was　much　that　was　good　in　it；　but　there　were　also　faults　（there　are　in　some　plays）；　and　these　I　seized　upon　and　made　merry　over。　　I　could　hardly　have　dealt　out　to　the　piece　more　unnecessary　bitterness　had　I　been　a　professional　critic。

As　soon　as　I　paused　from　my　sport　he　rose；　and；　taking　his　manuscript　from　the　table；　tore　it　in　two；　and　flung　it　in　the　fire…　…he　was　but　a　very　young　man；　you　must　rememberand　then；　standing　before　me　with　a　white　face；　told　me；　unsolicited；　his　opinion　of　me　and　of　my　art。　　After　which　double　event；　it　is　perhaps　needless　to　say　that　we　parted　in　hot　anger。

I　did　not　see　him　again　for　years。　　The　streets　of　life　are　very　crowded；　and　if　we　loose　each　other's　hands　we　are　soon　hustled　far　apart。　　When　I　did　next　meet　him　it　was　by　accident。

I　had　left　the　Whitehall　Rooms　after　a　public　dinner；　and；　glad　of　the　cool　night　air；　was　strolling　home　by　the　Embankment。　　A　man；　slouching　along　under　the　trees；　paused　as　I　overtook　him。

〃You　couldn't　oblige　me　with　a　light；　could　you；　guv'nor？〃　he　said。　The　voice　sounded　strange；　coming　from　the　figure　that　it　did。

I　struck　a　match；　and　held　it　out　to　him；　shaded　by　my　hands。　　As　the　faint　light　illumined　his　face；　I　started　back；　and　let　the　match　fall：…

〃Harry！〃

He　answered　with　a　short　dry　laugh。　　〃I　didn't　know　it　was　you；〃　he　said；　〃or　I　shouldn't　have　stopped　you。〃

〃How　has　it　come　to　this；　old　fellow？〃　I　asked；　laying　my　hand　upon　his　shoulder。　　His　coat　was　unpleasantly　greasy；　and　I　drew　my　hand　away　again　as　quickly　as　I　could；　and　tried　to　wipe　it　covertly　upon　my　handkerchief。

〃Oh；　it's　a　long；　story；〃　he　answered　carelessly；　〃and　too　conventional　to　be　worth　telling。　　Some　of　us　go　up；　you　know。　　Some　of　us　go　down。　　You're　doing　pretty　well；　I　hear。〃

〃I　suppose　so；〃　I　replied；　〃I've　climbed　a　few　feet　up　a　greasy　pole；　and　am　trying　to　stick　there。　　But　it　is　of　you　I　want　to　talk。　　Can't　I　do　anything　for　you？〃

We　were　passing　under　a　gas…lamp　at　the　moment。　　He　thrust　his　face　forward　close　to　mine；　and　the　light　fell　full　and　pitilessly　upon　it。

〃Do　I　look　like　a　man　you　could　do　anything　for？〃　he　said。

We　walked　on　in　silence　side　by　side；　I　casting　about　for　words　that　might　seize　hold　of　him。

〃You　needn't　worry　about　me；〃　he　continued　after　a　while；　〃I'm　comfortable　enough。　　We　take　life　easily　down　here　where　I　am。　We've　no　disappointments。〃

〃Why　did　you　give　up　like　a　weak　coward？〃　I　burst　out　angrily。　　〃You　had　talent。　　You　would　have　won　with　ordinary　perseverance。〃

〃Maybe；〃　he　replied；　in　the　same　even　tone　of　indifference。　　〃I　suppose　I　hadn't　the　grit。　　I　think　if　somebody　had　believed　in　me　it　might　have　helped　me。　　But　nobody　did；　and　at　last　I　lost　belief　in　myself。　　And　when　a　man　loses　that；　he's　like　a　balloon　with　the　gas　let　out。〃

I　listened　to　his　words　in　indignation　and　astonishment。　　〃Nobody　believed　in　you！〃　I　repeated。　　〃Why；　I　always　believed　in　you；　you　know　that　I〃

Then　I　paused；　remembering　our　〃candid　criticism〃　of　one　another。

〃Did　you？〃　he　replied　quietly；　〃I　never　heard　you　say　so。　　Good…　night。〃

In　the　course　of　our　Strandward　walking　we　had　come　to　the　neighbourhood　of　the　Savoy；　and；　as　he　spoke；　he　disappeared　down　one　of　the　dark　turnings　thereabouts。

I　hastened　after　him；　calling　him　by　name；　but　though　I　heard　his　quick　steps　before　me　for　a　little　way；　they　were　soon　swallowed　up　in　the　sound　of　other　steps；　and；　when　I　reached　the　square　in　which　the　chapel　stands；　I　had　lost　all　trace　of　him。

A　policeman　was　standing　by　the　churchyard　railings；　and　of　him　I　made　inquiries。

〃What　sort　of　a　gent　was　he；　sir？〃　questioned　the　man。

〃A　tall　thin　gentleman；　very　shabbily　dressedmight　be　mistaken　for　a　tramp。〃

〃Ah；　there's　a　good　many　of　that　sort　living　in　this　town；〃　replied　the　man。　　〃I'm　afraid　you'll　have　some　difficulty　in　finding　him。〃

Thus　for　a　second　time　had　I　heard　his　footsteps　die　away；　knowing　I　should　never　listen　for　their　drawing　near　again。

I　wondered　as　I　walked　onI　have　wondered　before　and　sincewhether　Art；　even　with　a　capital　A；　is　quite　worth　all　the　suffering　that　is　inflicted　in　her　behalfwhether　she　and　we　are　better　for　all　the　scorning　and　the　sneering；　all　the　envying　and　the　hating；　that　is　done　in　her　name。

Jephson　arrived　about　nine　o'clock　in　the　ferry…boat。　　We　were　made　acquainted　with　this　fact　by　having　our　heads　bumped　against　the　sides　of　the　saloon。

Somebody　or　other　always　had　their　head　bumped　whenever　the　ferry…　boat　arrived。　　It　was