a death in the desert-第6部分
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of everything。 Then we heard the front door open with a great
gust of wind that shook even the walls； and the servants came
running with lights； announcing that Madam had returned； 'and in
the book we read no more that night。'〃
She gave the old line with a certain bitter humor； and with
the hard； bright smile in which of old she had wrapped her
weakness as in a glittering garment。 That ironical smile； worn
like a mask through so many years； had gradually changed even the
lines of her face completely； and when she looked in the mirror
she saw not herself； but the scathing critic； the amused observer
and satirist of herself。 Everett dropped his head upon his hand
and sat looking at the rug。 〃How much you have cared！〃 he said。
〃Ah； yes； I cared；〃 she replied； closing her eyes with a
long…drawn sigh of relief； and lying perfectly still； she went
on： 〃You can't imagine what a comfort it is to have you know how I
cared； what a relief it is to be able to tell it to someone。 I
used to want to shriek it out to the world in the long nights when
I could not sleep。 It seemed to me that I could not die with it。
It demanded some sort of expression。 And now that you know； you
would scarcely believe how much less sharp the anguish of it is。〃
Everett continued to look helplessly at the floor。 〃I was
not sure how much you wanted me to know；〃 he said。
〃Oh； I intended you should know from the first time I looked
into your face； when you came that day with Charley。 I flatter
myself that I have been able to conceal it when I chose； though I
suppose women always think that。 The more observing ones may
have seen； but discerning people are usually discreet and often
kind； for we usually bleed a little before we begin to discern。
But I wanted you to know； you are so like him that it is almost
like telling him himself。 At least； I feel now that he will know
some day； and then I will be quite sacred from his compassion；
for we none of us dare pity the dead。 Since it was what my life
has chiefly meant； I should like him to know。 On the whole I am
not ashamed of it。 I have fought a good fight。〃
〃And has he never known at all？〃 asked Everett； in a thick voice。
〃Oh！ Never at all in the way that you mean。 Of course； he
is accustomed to looking into the eyes of women and finding love
there； when he doesn't find it there he thinks he must have been
guilty of some discourtesy and is miserable about it。 He has a
genuine fondness for everyone who is not stupid or gloomy； or old
or preternaturally ugly。 Granted youth and cheerfulness； and a
moderate amount of wit and some tact； and Adriance will always be
glad to see you coming around the corner。 I shared with the
rest； shared the smiles and the gallantries and the droll little
sermons。 It was quite like a Sunday…school picnic； we wore our
best clothes and a smile and took our turns。 It was his kindness
that was hardest。 I have pretty well used my life up at standing
punishment。〃
〃Don't； you'll make me hate him；〃 groaned Everett。
Katharine laughed and began to play nervously with her fan。
〃It wasn't in the slightest degree his fault； that is the most
grotesque part of it。 Why； it had really begun before I
ever met him。 I fought my way to him； and I drank my doom
greedily enough。〃
Everett rose and stood hesitating。 〃I think I must go。 You ought
to be quiet； and I don't think I can hear any more just now。〃
She put out her hand and took his playfully。 〃You've put in
three weeks at this sort of thing； haven't you？ Well； it may
never be to your glory in this world； perhaps； but it's been the
mercy of heaven to me； and it ought to square accounts for a much
worse life than yours will ever be。〃
Everett knelt beside her； saying； brokenly： 〃I stayed because I
wanted to be with you； that's all。 I have never cared about other
women since I met you in New York when I was a lad。 You are a part
of my destiny； and I could not leave you if I would。〃
She put her hands on his shoulders and shook her head。 〃No；
no； don't tell me that。 I have seen enough of tragedy； God
knows。 Don't show me any more just as the curtain is going down。
No； no； it was only a boy's fancy； and your divine pity and my
utter pitiableness have recalled it for a moment。 One does not
love the dying； dear friend。 If some fancy of that sort had been
left over from boyhood； this would rid you of it； and that were
well。 Now go； and you will come again tomorrow； as long as there
are tomorrows； will you not？〃 She took his hand with a smile that
lifted the mask from her soul； that was both courage and despair；
and full of infinite loyalty and tenderness； as she said softly：
For ever and for ever； farewell； Cassius；
If we do meet again； why； we shall smile；
If not； why then； this parting was well made。
The courage in her eyes was like the clear light of a star to him
as he went out。
On the night of Adriance Hilgarde's opening concert in Paris
Everett sat by the bed in the ranch house in Wyoming； watching
over the last battle that we have with the flesh before we are
done with it and free of it forever。 At times it seemed that the
serene soul of her must have left already and found some refuge
from the storm； and only the tenacious animal life were left to do
battle with death。 She labored under a delusion at once pitiful
and merciful； thinking that she was in the Pullman on her way to
New York； going back to her life and her work。 When she aroused
from her stupor it was only to ask the porter to waken her half an
hour out of Jersey City； or to remonstrate with him about the
delays and the roughness of the road。 At midnight Everett and the
nurse were left alone with her。 Poor Charley Gaylord had lain down
on a couch outside the door。 Everett sat looking at the sputtering
night lamp until it made his eyes ache。 His head dropped forward
on the foot of the bed； and he sank into a heavy； distressful
slumber。 He was dreaming of Adriance's concert in Paris； and of
Adriance； the troubadour； smiling and debonair； with his boyish
face and the touch of silver gray in his hair。 He heard the
applause and he saw the roses going up over the footlights until
they were stacked half as high as the piano； and the petals fell
and scattered； making crimson splotches on the floor。 Down this
crimson pathway came Adriance with his youthful step； leading his
prima donna by the hand； a dark woman this time； with Spanish eyes。
The nurse touched him on the shoulder； he started and awoke。
She screened the lamp with her hand。 Everett saw that Katharine
was awake and conscious； and struggling a little。 He lifted her
gently on his arm and began to fan her。 She laid her hands
lightly on his hair and looked into his face with eyes that
seemed never to have wept or doubted。 〃Ah； dear Adriance； dear；
dear；〃 she whispered。
Everett went to call her brother； but when they came back
the madness of art was over for Katharine。
Two days later Everett was pacing the station siding；
waiting for the westbound train。 Charley Gaylord walked beside
him； but the two men had nothing to say to each other。 Everett's
bags were piled on the truck； and his step was hurried and his
eyes were full of impatience； as he gazed again and again up the
track； watching for the train。 Gaylord's impatience was not less
than his own； these two； who had grown so close； had now become
painful and impossible to each other； and longed for the
wrench of farewell。
As the train pulled in Everett wrung Gaylord's hand among
the crowd of alighting passengers。 The people of a German opera
company； en route to the coast； rushed by them in frantic haste
to snatch their breakfast during the stop。 Everett heard an
exclamation in a broad German dialect； and a massive woman whose
figure persistently escaped from her stays in the most improbable
places rushed up to him； her blond hair disordered by the wind；
and glowing with joyful surprise she caught his coat sleeve with
her tightly gloved hands。
〃Herr Gott； Adriance； lieber Freund；〃 she cried；
emotionally。
Everett quickly withdrew his arm and lifted his hat；
blushing。 〃Pardon me； madam； but I see that you have mistake
