the complete works of artemus ward, part 3-第3部分
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〃The FOREMAN？〃 asked Isabel in a tone of surprise。
〃Yes； the foreman of the shop where I work。〃
〃ForemanshopWORK！ What！ do YOU work。〃
〃Aye； Miss Sawtelle！ I am a cooper！〃 and his eyes flashed with
honest pride。
〃What's that？〃 she asked； 〃it is something about barrels； isn't
it！〃
〃It is！〃 he said； with a flashing nostril。 〃And hogsheads。〃
〃Then go！〃 she said in a tone of disdain〃go AWAY！〃
〃Ha！〃 he cried； 〃you spurn me； then； because I am a mechanic。
Well； be it so！ though the time will come； Isabel Sawtelle；〃 he
added； and nothing could exceed his looks at this moment〃when
you will bitterly remember the cooper you now so cruelly cast
off？ FAREWELL！〃
。 。 。 。
Years rolled on。 Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aristocrat；
who recently died of delirium tremens。 Her father failed； and is
now a raving maniac； and wants to bite little children。 All her
brothers （except one） were sent to the penitentiary for burglary；
and her mother peddles clams that are stolen for her by little
George； her only son that has his freedom。 Isabel's sister
Bianca rides an immoral spotted horse in the circus； HER husband
having long since been hanged for murdering his own uncle on his
mother's side。 Thus we see that it is always best to marry a
mechanic。
3。6。 ROBERTO THE ROVER：A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE。
CHAPTER I。FRANCE。
Our story opens in the early part of the year 17。 France was
rocking wildly from centre to circumference。 The arch despot and
unscrupulous man； Richard the III。； was trembling like an aspen
leaf upon his throne。 He had been successful； through the
valuable aid of Richelieu and Sir。 Wm。 Donn； in destroying the
Orleans Dysentery； but still he trembled？ O'Mulligan； the
snake…eater of Ireland； and Schnappsgoot of Holland； a retired
dealer in gin and sardines； had united their forcessome nineteen
men and a brace of bull pups in alland were overtly at work；
their object being to oust the tyrant。 O'Mulligan was a young man
between fifty…three years of age and was chiefly distinguished
for being the son of his aunt on his great grandfather's side。
Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal education； having passed three
weeks at Oberlin College。 He was a man of great hardihood； also；
and would frequently read an entire column of 〃railway matters〃
in the 〃Cleveland Herald〃 without shrieking with agony。
CHAPTER II。THE KING。
The tyrant Richard the III。 （late Mr。 Gloster） sat upon his
throne in the Palace d' St。 Cloud。 He was dressed in his best
clothes； and gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere。
Courtiers； in glittering and golden armor； stood ready at his
beck。 He sat moodily for a while； when suddenly his sword
flashed from its silver scabbard； and he shouted
〃Slaves； some wine； ho！〃
The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of champagne
and a hoe were placed before him。
As the king raised the bucket to his lips； a deep voice near by；
proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs； cried
〃Drink hearty； old feller。〃
〃Reports traveling on lightning…wings； whisper of strange goings
on and cuttings up throughout this kingdom。 Knowest thou aught
of these things； most noble Hellitysplit？〃 and the king drew from
the upper pocket of his gold…faced vest a paper of John
Anderson's solace and proceeded to take a chaw。
〃Treason stalks monster…like throughout unhappy France； my
liege！〃 said the noble Hellitysplit。 〃The ranks of the P。Q。R。's
are daily swelling； and the G。R。J。A。's are constantly on the
increase。 Already the peasantry scout at cat…fish； and demand
pickled salmon for their noonday repasts。 But； my liege；〃 and
the brave Hellitysplit eyes flashed fire； 〃myself and sword are
at thy command？〃
〃Bully for you； Count；〃 said the king。 〃But soft： methinks
reportperchance unjustlyhast spoken suspiciously of thee；
most Royal d'Sardine？ How is this？ Is it a newspaper yarn？
WHAT'S UP？〃
D'Sardine meekly approached the throne； knelt at the king's feet；
and said： 〃Most patient； gray； and red…headed skinner； my very
approved skin…plaster： that I've been asked to drink by the
P。Q。R。's； it is most true； true I have imbibed sundry mugs of
lager with them。 The very head and front of my offending hath
this extent； no more。〃
〃'Tis well！〃 said the King； rising and looking fiercely around。
〃Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good sword have cut
off yer head； and spilled your ber…lud all over the floor！ If I
wouldn't； blow me！〃
CHAPTER III。THE ROVER。
Thrilling as the scenes depicted in the preceding chapter
indubitably were； those of this are decidedly THRILLINGER。
Again are we in the mighty presence of the King； and again is
he surrounded by splendour and gorgeously…mailed courtiers。 A
sea…faring man stands before him。 It is Roberto the Rover；
disguised as a common sailor。
〃So；〃 said the King； 〃thou wouldst have audience with me！〃
〃Aye aye； yer 'onor；〃 said the sailor； 〃just tip us yer grapplin
irons and pipe all hands on deck。 Reef home yer jib poop and
splice yer main topsuls。 Man the jibboom and let fly yer
top…gallunts。 I've seen some salt water in my days； yer land
lubber； but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather coast among
seagulls than landsharks。 My name is Sweet William。 You're old
Dick the Three。 Ahoy！ Awast！ Dam my eyes！〃 and Sweet William
pawed the marble floor and swung his tarpaulin after the manner
of sailors on the stage； and consequently not a bit like those
on shipboard。
〃Mariner；〃 said the King； gravely； 〃thy language is exceeding
lucid； and leads me to infer that things is workin' bad。〃
〃Aye； aye； my hearty！〃 yelled Sweet William； in dulcet strains；
reminding the King of the 〃voluptuous smell of physic；〃 spoken
of by the late Mr。 Byron。
〃What wouldst thou； seafaring man？〃 asked the King。
〃This！〃 cried the Rover； suddenly taking off his maritime
clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk； bespangled
with diamonds。 〃This！ I am Roberto the Rover！〃
The King was thunder…struck。 Cowering back in his chair of
state； he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement； 〃Well；
may I be gaul…darned！〃
〃Ber…lud！ Ber…lud！ Ber…lud！〃 shrieked the Rover； as he drew a
horse…pistol and fired it at the King； who fell fatally killed；
his last words being； 〃WE ARE GOVENRED TOO MUCHTHIS IS THE LAST
OF EARTH！！！〃 At this exciting juncture Messrs。 O'Mulligan and
Schnappsgoot （who had previously entered into a copartnership
with the Rover for the purpose of doing a general killing
business） burst into the room and cut off the heads and let out
the inwards of all the noblemen they encountered。 They then
killed themselves and died like heroes； wrapped up in the Star
Spangled Banner； to slow music。
FINALE。
The Rover fled。 He was captured near Marseilles and thrust into
prison； where he lay for sixteen weary years； all attempts to
escape being futile。 One night a lucky thought struck him。 He
raised the window and got out。 But he was unhappy。 Remorse and
dyspepsia preyed upon his vitals。 He tried Boerhave's Holland
Bitters and the Retired Physician's Sands of Life； and got well。
He then married the lovely Countess D'Smith； and lived to a green
old age； being the triumph of virtue and downfall of vice。
3。7。 RED HAND： A TALE OF REVENGE。
CHAPTER I。
〃Life's but a walking shadowa poor player。〃Shakespeare。
〃Let me die to sweet music。〃J。W。 Shuckers。
〃Go forth； Clarence Stanley！ Hence to the bleak world； dog！ You
have repaid my generosity with the blackest ingratitude。 You
have forged my name on a five thousand dollar checkhave
repeatedly robbed my money drawerhave perpetrated a long series
of high…handed villanies； and now to…night； because； forsooth；
I'll not give you more money to spend on your dissolute
companions； you break a chair over my aged head。 Anyway！ You
are a young man of small moral principle。 Don't ever speak to me
again！〃
These harsh words fell from the lips of Horace Blinker； one of
the merchant princes of New York City。 He spoke to Clarence
Stanley； his adopted son and a beautiful youth of nineteen
summers。 In vain did Clarence plead his poverty； his tender age；
his inexperience； in vain did he fasten those lustrous blue eyes
of his appealingly and tearfully upon Mr。 Blinker； and tell him
he would make the pecuniary matter all right in the fall； and
that he merely shattered a chair over his head by way of a joke。
The stony…hearted man was remorseless； and that night Clarence
Stanly became a wanderer in the wide； wide world。 As he went
forth he uttered these words： 〃H。 Blinker； beware！ A RED HAND
is around； my fine feller！〃
CHAPTER。 II。
〃a man of strange wild mienone who has seen trouble。〃Sir
Walter Scott。
〃You ask me； don't I wish to see the Constitution dissolved and
broken up。 I answer； NEVER； NEVER； NEVER！〃H。W。 Faxon。
〃They will join our expedition。〃Anon。
〃Go in on your muscle。〃President Buchanan's instructions to the
Collector of Toledo。
〃Westw
