whirligigs-第15部分
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think？ Vivienne is coming to cook for us！ She is the
one that stayed with the Montgomerys a whole year。
And now； Billy； dear；〃 she concluded； 〃you must go
right down into the kitchen and discharge H閘oise。 She
has been drunk again the whole day long。〃
SOCIOLOGY IN SERGE AND STRAW
The season of irresponsibility is at hand。 Come；
let us twine round our brows wreaths of poison ivy （that
is for idiocy）； and wander hand in hand with sociology
in the summer fields。
Likely as not the world is flat。 The wise men have
tried to prove that it is round； with indifferent success。
They pointed out to us a ship going to sea； and bade us
observe that； at length； the convexity of the earth hid
from our view all but the vessel's topmast。 But we
picked up a telescope and looked； and saw the decks
and hull again。 Then the wise men said： 〃Oh； pshaw！
anyhow； the variation of the intersection of the equator
and the ecliptic proves it。〃 We could not see this through
our telescope； so we remained silent。 But it stands to
reason that； if the world were round； the queues of China…
Men would stand straight up from their heads instead
of hanging down their backs； as travellers assure us they do。
Another hot…weather corroboration of the flat theory
is the fact that all of life； as we know it； moves in little；
unavailing circles。 More justly than to anything else；
it can be likened to the game of baseball。 Crack！ we
hit the ball； and away we go。 If we earn a run （in life
we call it success） we get back to the home plate and sit
upon a bench。 If we are thrown out； we walk back to the
home plate and sit upon a bench。
The circumnavigators of the alleged globe may
have sailed the rim of a watery circle back to the same
port again。 The truly great return at the high tide of
their attainments to the simplicity of a child。 The
billionaire sits down at his mahogany to his bowl of bread
and milk。 When you reach the end of your career； just
take down the sign 〃Goal〃 and look at the other side of
it。 You will find 〃Beginning Point〃 there。 It has been
reversed while you were going around the track。
But this is humour； and must be stopped。 Let us
get back to the serious questions that arise whenever
Sociology turns summer boarder。 You are invited to
consider the scene of the story…wild； Atlantic waves；
thundering against a wooded and rock…bound shore
in the Greater City of New York。
The town of Fishampton； on the south shore of Long
Island； is noted for its clam fritters and the summer
residence of the Van Plushvelts。
The Van Plushvelts have a hundred million dollars；
and their name is a household word with tradesmen and
photographers。
On the fifteenth of June the Van Plushvelts boarded
up the front door of their city house； carefully deposited
their cat on the sidewalk； instructed the caretaker not
to allow it to eat any of the ivy on the walls； and whizzed
away in a 40…horse…power to Fishampton to stray alone
the shade Amaryllis not being in their class。 If
a subscriber to the Toadies' Magazine； you have
often You say you are not？ Well； you buy it at a
news…stand； thinking that the newsdealer is not wise to
you。 But he knows about it all。 HE knows HE
knows！ I say that you have often seen in the Toadies'
Magazine pictures of the Van Plushvelts' summer home；
so it will not be described here。 Our business is with
young Haywood Van Plushvelt； sixteen years old； heir
to the century of millions； darling of the financial gods
and great grandson of Peter Van Plushvelt； former owner
of a particularly fine cabbage patch that has been ruined
by an intrusive lot of downtown skyscrapers。
One afternoon young Haywood Van Plushvelt strolled
out between the granite gate posts of 〃Dolce far Niente〃
that's what they called the place； and it was an improve…
ment on dolce Far Rockaway； I can tell you。
Haywood walked down into the village。 He was
human； after all； and his prospective millions weighed
upon him。 Wealth had wreaked upon him its direfullest。
He was the product of private tutors。 Even under his
first hobby…horse had tan bark been strewn。 He had
been born with a gold spoon； lobster fork and fish…set in
his mouth。 For which I hope； later； to submit justification；
I must ask your consideration of his haberdashery and
tailoring。
Young Fortunatus was dressed in a neat suit of dark
blue serge； a neat； white straw hat； neat low…cut tan shoes；
of the well…known 〃immaculate〃 trade mark； a
neat； narrow four…in…hand tie； and carried a slender；
neat； bamboo cane。
Down Persimmon Street （there's never tree north of
Hagerstown； Md。） came from the village 〃Smoky〃
Dodson； fifteen and a half； worst boy in Fishampton。
〃Smoky〃 was dressed in a ragged red sweater； wrecked
and weather…worn golf cap； run…over shoes； and trousers
of the 〃serviceable〃 brand。 Dust； clinging to the mois…
ture induced by free exercise； darkened wide areas of
his face。 〃Smoky〃 carried a baseball bat； and a league
ball that advertised itself in the rotundity of his trousers
pocket。 Haywood stopped and passed the time of day。
〃Going to play ball？〃 he asked。
〃Smoky's〃 eyes and countenance confronted him
with a frank blue…and…freckled scrutiny。
〃Me？〃 he said； with deadly mildness； 〃sure not。
Can't you see I've got a divin' suit on？ I'm goin' up in
a submarine balloon to catch butterflies with a two…inch
auger。
〃Excuse me；〃 said Haywood； with the insulting polite…
…ness of his caste； 〃for mistaking you for a gentleman。 I
might have known better。〃
〃How might you have known better if you thought I
was one？〃 said 〃Smoky；〃 unconsciously a logician。
〃By your appearances；〃 said Haywood。 〃No gentle…
man is dirty； ragged and a liar。〃
〃Smoky〃 hooted once like a ferry…boat； spat on his
hand； got a firm grip on his baseball bat and then dropped
it against the fence。
〃Say；〃 said he； 〃I knows you。 You're the pup that
belongs in that swell private summer sanitarium for city…
guys over there。 I seen you come out of the gate。 You
can't bluff nobody because you're rich。 And because
you got on swell clothes。 Arabella！ Yah！〃
〃Ragamuffin！〃 said Hay…wood。
〃Smoky〃 picked up a fence…rail splinter and laid it on
his shoulder。
〃Dare you to knock it off；〃 he challenged。
〃I wouldn't soil my hands with you；〃 said the aristocrat。
〃'Fraid；〃 said 〃Smoky〃 concisely。 〃Youse city…
ducks ain't got the I sand。 I kin lick you with one…
hand。〃
〃I don't wish to have any trouble with you；〃 said
Haywood。 〃I asked you a civil question； and you replied；
like a like a a cad。〃
〃Wot's a cad？〃 asked 〃Smoky。〃
〃A cad is a disagreeable person；〃 answered Haywood；
〃who lacks manners and doesn't know his place。 They；
sometimes play baseball。〃
〃I can tell you what a mollycoddle is；〃 said 〃Smoky。〃
〃It's a monkey dressed up by its mother and sent out too
pick daisies on the lawn。〃
〃When you have the honour to refer to the members
of my family；〃 said Haywood； with some dim ideas
of a code in his mind； 〃you'd better leave the ladies out
of your remarks。〃
〃Ho！ ladies！〃 mocked the rude one。 〃I say ladies！
I know what them rich women in the city does。 They；
drink cocktails and swear and give parties to gorillas。
The papers says so。〃
Then Haywood knew that it must be。 He took off
his coat； folded it neatly and laid it on the roadside grass；
placed his hat upon it and began to unknot his blue silk
tie。
〃Hadn't yer better ring fer yer maid； Arabella？〃
taunted 〃Smoky。〃 〃Wot yer going to do go to bed？〃
〃I'm going to give you a good trouncing；〃 said the
hero。 He did not hesitate； although the enemy was far
beneath him socially。 He remembered that his father
once thrashed a cabman； and the papers gave it two col…
umns； first page。 And the Toadies' Magazine had a
special article on Upper Cuts by the Upper Classes； and
ran new pictures of the Van Plushvelt country seat； at
Fishampton。
〃Wot's trouncing？〃 asked 〃Smoky；〃 suspiciously。
〃I don't want your old clothes。 I'm no oh； you mean
to scrap！ My； my！ I won't do a thing to mamma's pet。
Criminy！ I'd hate to be a hand…laundered thing like
you。
〃Smoky〃 waited with some awkwardness for his
adversary to prepare for battle。 His own decks were
always clear for action。 When he should spit upon the
palm of his terrible right it was equivalent to 〃You may
fire now； Gridley。〃
The hated patrician advanced； with his shirt sleeves
neatly rolled up。 〃Smoky〃 waited； in an attitude of
ease； expecting the affair to be conducted according to
Fishampton's rules of war。 These allowed combat
to be prefaced by stigma； recrimination； epithet； abuse
and insult gradually increasing in emphasis and degree。
After a round o
